Happy New Year~~!!

Its coming to the end of the year. Once again, its time for us to put on our partying hats and party like there is no tomorrow. Everyone's new year had started and ended differently. For me, 2007 has brought on a series of changes, good or bad, I've yet to decide on it. However, one things for sure, I grew up this year for better or for worse. My last day at work was a quiet day. Surprisingly, things went my way and we actually pulled things through with me getting my share of recognition finally. Also, it marked a full day of me sitting in the office area. :) On the business side, 2007 has a closure with great fanfare and loads of laughter and happiness with lessons learnt.

On the personal side, I'm in a happy situation with my guy and I can do with some work with my family. Am I in a balance of things I don't know. I don't know what 2008 will bring for me, I can't predict the future and i definitely can't tell that I'll be in this happy situation for long. But for now, I'm happy with what I have and contented with it all.

Also, on the other note, I've started my 2008 with a Baskin Robbins ice cream, fireworks show right above my head and with friends and loads of merry laughter and also the numerous sms-es with best wishes for the new year. Yes, I also had my retail therapy with a purchase of a shortie (wetsuit to the uninitiated) and a white embroidered tube. How can retail therapy not be part of my new year??? :p Also accompanying my journey into 2008, my 2 tattoos, one a beautiful butterfly that seems to be flying and taking me places and the other is a peeling baby who looks just old now.

To the surprise of everyone, I didn't club on NYE. Surprising? Not exactly, I'm suddenly old and tired and also, my best clubbing kaki is not in town. So not much of fun for me.

The other thing that I can look forward to 2008 is the weddings I need to attend~~!! At the last count, there is 4, one in April, July, August and November. If I'm invited to others, there's another wedding in November and a friend of mine has just proposed to his girlfriend of umpteen years. The proposal coincided with a big change in his life, a change in citizenship. I hope it all works well for him. Actually, deep down, I know it will work out for him and his girl and I'm so happy for them both. Hmmm... that brings the total count of weddings to anticipate to SIX. Oh well, I'm happy that my friends has found their life partner and they are ready to embark on the next journey in life. Its a super big step forward, something which I'm not ready for. So, I admire and envious of their courage and their luck for finding partners to spend the rest of their lives with.

My hopes for the new year is that there really will be peace and harmony especially in my country now. There are loads of chaos and with rumors flying around and the election round the corner, I really hope all of us Malaysians can unite and live harmoniously. Personally, I hope that I can find peace within myself and live in harmony with everyone around me. Let there be no more arguments and tears in 2008.

As for my resolutions for 2008, that will be in the next blog. In the meantime, I shall try to upload the video of fireworks display at Mutiara Damansara. Everyone, Happy New Year, hope 2008 will bring much joy and happiness~~!!

People Watching Thoughts

One of my favorite pastime now is to people watch. There is so much fun when I look in disbelief at youngsters around the age of 12 or 13, just entering their teenage phase, holding hands and acting all lovey dovey and proclaiming their everlasting love. Then there is the young adults getting all touchy and feely with Public Displays of Affections taken literally. After that, there's always the young parents trying to control their toddlers without any success and middle aged parents staring into space without a single word to their kids that are either busy with their phones (text messaging their friends on the latest gossip or their boredom), their PSP, their Nintendo DS or their iPods. And finally, there's the senior citizen who wants to be involved with their offsprings' lives and their grandkids' lives to no avail. That's just the summary or how I generalize people. There's always the exceptions which I'm beginning to see a lot of.

Firstly, there's the young adults like me typing furiously away at her laptop as though she's doing something serious but half the time I'm just plain surfing with earphones plugged to eliminate all outside noise. Give and take the laptop, there's always the PDA, PSP, iPod, phones or whatever the technology fancy schmancy gadgets. Then, there is the group of young adults hanging around at Starbucks, Coffee Bean or even the good old neighborhood mamak. After that, there are parents who are getting younger and younger. I mean, those kids don't even look like they are capable of taking care of themselves what more a small kid. And don't get me started on the teenagers who hasn't have the capability to earn a living yet, their expenditure on material goods are extravagant. Teen consumerism lives on to the happy retailers of "branded" goods and all things fashionable. Senior citizens now has taken a nonchalant outlook of the young ones, giving support whenever they could and turning a blind eye to their frivolous ways.

I remember once when I was in Singapore, I saw this granny sitting at the HDB foodcourt with the maid, tagging along with the maid who is meeting with her friends for lunch. What saddens me is that, this is what the future has come to. I hope that is not what our future generation will be. The old folks following the maid instead of their own kids, looking lost amidst all the foreigners and pretending that they are not hurt by the slight given by their kids. I'm not exactly a filial daughter and I'm definitely not the best role model for a daughter but I'm sure I wouldn't relegate my duties as a daughter to the maid~~!!! That scene really caught me by surprise. In the end, I just shook my head hoping to get the image of the granny out of my head. I mean really, I can't imagine my own parents in that situation. I hope I'm wrong about the granny's kids. I hope I'm dead wrong about them.

For this Christmas, I hope that there is really a spread of love throughout the world and a genuine care to the youngs and seniors. I hope I can do that too and let peace be with all those in a stress-filled world.

Christmas time

Christmas is here. Its a time for family to get together sit down and reflect for the past year. Somehow, I'm not totally inclined to the fact that yes, I'm emotionally stunted. I mean, too much family time will leave me gagging and wanting to get out of it. Am I emotionally unstable? hmmm.. I don't know and I don't want to speculate about my own self. I recently came across a blog that caught me by surprise. Events that happens in Malaysia, the senseless killing of a young girl has been given a tribute by a Portugese blogger. It caught me by surprise. I guess we are really coming to a borderless world. Thank you, David Santos for making me realized this. I guess I'm really ignorant when it comes to global news and the happenings of this world. Actually I'm not ignorant as per se, I just don't need anymore cruelty and violence in life. Everytime I flip open the newspaper or google news, there's more and more bad news, news of violence, death, cruelty, war, starvation. It injects a dose of reality and sadness to this world we are living in. It depresses me. So for this Christmas, I pray and wish and hope that there will be peace in lands and among humans, joy in everyday life, and hope for a better future.

My Second Tattoo

I got my second tattoo. This time was at the side of my waist and damn, it was so freakingly painful. This time I wondered why I went through this. Even till now, I still feel the pain with nausea and dizziness thrown in. Yes, that is what extreme prolonged pain can do to you. But I still wonder now why did I do this? In the end, I love the results. I'll post the picture later on.

Lina, the tattoo artist said she'll deliver the pain that I'm asking for. I wasn't ready for the pain this time round but painful it was. I was deep breathing and had to tell myself to keep breathing if not, I'll hyperventilate and pass out. Now I wonder would I regret this. I know I won't and I know the reason behind this tattoo and the meaning it tells me. I'll hold this tattoo as a reminder of how far along I've come and it will serve as a reminder of what I am and what I've become. In the end, all that really matters is what I'll be. My outlook has changed as the year progresses and what a tumultuous year it has been. But whatever happens, I wouldn't change this year for anything. Because loads had happened, but this is one year that I grew up significantly be it from looks to personality and maturity. Yes, I'm slowly evolving to be a woman. A woman who is proud of what she has achieved and what she has come to learn about herself and people around her. I might still have my childish tempers but I'm not perfect.

My current favorite song is Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. It reminds me of myself. When I cry, trust me, I cry bucketloads. But I've learnt that its okie and I have to learn to recover from whatever that brings me down and move on.

Now, I must say a special thanks to a person who has taken up the job as my critic. And trust me, he is good in that with his eye for my grammars and spelling. Thanks for listening to me as well whenever I'm down and I appreciate that loads.

My Little Devil

of Family Holidays and me

I'm finally blogging about my holiday last week. Yes, I finally did go for my leave and it was to Bintan, Indonesia. To those who know Bintan, its a Singaporean haunt in Indonesia. Everything is transacted in Singapore Dollars. Expensive (for Malaysians) and yet, the nearest island resort within the area. For me, it was a much needed R&R. I was practically unwilling to leave the beach. Sun tanning myself in the sun while reading is something that I haven't been able to do for a long time. I actually embraced the sun, sitting right under the sun rays, soaking it all up. Of coz, I got myself burnt in the process but nevertheless I was happy that I'm burnt. Don't ask why.

It was a family get-together thingy where all 3 sisters are united to foot the bill and family unity with parents and what more its done before Christmas. For those who don't know me, I've 2 sisters working in Singapore. I don't see them very often, maybe 4 times a year and I think I can calculate the number of days with my hands. Also, its difficult to schedule a time where all the family members are free. Last year was at Singapore, year before Penang and previously Bangkok, this time round it was more R&R. A well needed rest for me. Hence, we always try to organize something where the whole family can spend time together.

Nowadays, I feel that it is such a luxury to be able to just take time out and do nothing. It is really something that I used to take granted for. Usually, human nature will make us feel the guilt in just doing nothing. I have to repeatedly tell myself, its ok not to check on work, sms or call office and definitely ok not to check our e-mails. Although I can't say the same for my sister where she was practically glued to her BlackBerry. That's modern technology for you. Human race suddenly has a need to stay online, stay on the know, must be updated and informed. But what I realized is, its ok if you are 1 day late in catching up with news. The incident has already happened, and its not like knowing the news will make you save the situation or will impact your life anyhow. I'm not talking about 9/11 type of disasters. I'm talking about simple stuff like floods, fire or even a new iMac launch (if there ever was one). :)

Interestingly, my whole trip was spent reading about Steve Wozniak. To those in IT line, you might know him. To the uninitiated, he is the other Steve that started Apple. It was interesting as Steve Wozniak was relating his experience in developing Apple I and Apple II and all the electronic components involved. And he made it sound real simple. I mean, coming from this engineering graduate who had no clue what she had studied in her 4 years in university actually and finally understood what her lecturers was trying to tell then~~!! No wonder I switch jobs. I admire Steve Wozniak for his foresight and also, his courage. To me, he seems to be a humble guy and he doesn't have a desire for greatness. But he did have a desire to make personal computer accessible at a lower rate for the world. And what a fella he is. Hats off to him.

So that's how I spent my holiday with my family. I shall not bored you with the details of my spa experience, although I might one fine day. But that's all for now. And I came home, with a burnt face and chest and a red nose, it was definitely well worth it.

Defeated

This time, I'm defeated. They tell me that it should come naturally for relationship. Go with the flow, enjoy the ride, enjoy the sceneries, you might be surprise what comes out of it. We went down that path. Everything happened very fast. It was so fast and yet it was so natural. Things just developed. We became very comfortable with each other. We became instant friends. Yet, certain things was hard, certain things was evasive, certain things were ignored. When I start searching answers for it, I was told that I'm forcing an issue out of it. We were friends first and foremost, but we ended up not being friends anymore. We ended up arguing over everything. I became the catalyst for all things, I became emotionally charged. I became very taxing. I started crying, I became this irrational person who just wanted something solved, answers to things that I wanted to know, confirmation of situation. Yet, I became insensitive. So, I changed. I ignored those things, though it was killing me. I make myself think lighter of the situation at hand. I just decided to go with the flow. If I'm unhappy about it, I keep quiet. I just want it all to go back to when we were friends. So I smiled, I joked, I became chatty, I try to inquire more about the life, the work. I didn't know how to carry on a one sided conversation anymore. Then, I became self centered. I chose topics which I thought was safe, so I chose to talk about me. I joke, I poked fun at myself, tell you about my problems, hoping and making you a part of my life. Then it turned out I'm being high maintenance, high emotional maintenance. I become very taxing. After I'm told all these, I'm supposed to forget it, delete those comments and throw them into recycle bin. But do you know that, in the recycle bin, there is still ways and means to retrieve those information? Then, I was told to leave it alone, give it a rest. Then I'm irritating. What am I to do now? There are so many things I don't understand, so many things I'm trying to comprehend. So I leave you alone because there really is nothing else I could do. It hurts as I felt I lost a best friend. A person that I can talk to, a person that understands me, joke with me. In this few months, you really had given me a reason to smile, to laugh, to joke and yet, there's also the tears but you had been the reason for all the smiles and my happiness. I've come to include you as part of my life, part of my support system. Its really an emotional roller coaster ride. The ups are really happy and the downs really brought me to a stop. I really miss a lot of things that you had done before, it became a part of my daily life. The phone calls during lunch, the weekends spent chatting, the time u call me after your work, the early morning sms-es and wake up calls. I realized after awhile, you stopped doing all those things. You said you had lost the feelings you had for me, the joys in talking to me, the smile I had brought to you. You had said love is just a state of mind, somehow I felt that you were patronizing and belittling me. I know you have more things in mind, more important things. I never wanted to be the first. I just wanted to know if I featured in your life at all. I never wanted to take over anything or anyone. In the end, I just felt I'm irritating you, disturbing you. You said we are friends, yet you never ignored me like you never had, unanswered sms, unanswered calls. You no longer have a reason to talk to me for you have lost those feelings besides the disturbance and irritation? I miss you calling me dear, calling me baby. You said we are friends, yet when you are near me, you said friends don't do all these. I'm lost, frightened,confused. You said we moved too fast, things happen too fast, so I took a backseat. I decided not to bombard you, yet I became dangerous. Whatever I do, its just that I became something negative. I'm not perfect. I'm trying hard to understand things, trying hard to grasp matter at hand. I never wanted anything more. I never did, yet the only thing I've asked of you, I became a control freak. You became angry and I didn't know what triggered it. I was crying because I knew in my heart, I've to let you go. But at the slightest hint from you, I would be this happy girl running to you, to be by your side. I've always felt safe and warm in your arms. A lot of things I enjoy, I enjoy doing them with you and with you by my side.

Family Holiday

I'm finally going on leave and driving down to Singapore with my parents to meet up with my sisters to go Bintan for a weekend of relaxation. Somehow, until now, I'm not looking forward to it. The 5 hours long drive with my parents, cooped up in a car is not my ideal start to a holiday. And with my sisters, now that's another different story altogether. Sigh... For now, let's just pack my bags and see what's the worse that can happen :)

Santa CLAUS is coming to town~~!!

Ok, yes, I'm in the mood to blog as I don't have anything much to do besides sitting in the office waiting for the traffic to subside. Its Christmas mood. Christmas is round the corner, Christmas carols everywhere you go. People buying fake Christmas tree to put in their house with fake snowflakes as ornaments and mistletoes. I don't understand why we Asians see fit to copy the traditions of the West? I mean, does Christmas really mean all those things? Why can't we put up our version of Christmas tree? Why must it be a tree in the first place??????? and the socks to put your presents in? Why not just do it the Asian way, give money packets? And Santa Claus, the origin of all commercialization. Now, that's taking commercialization to the extreme when its Christmas.

Does anyone out there in my age group and younger really know the meaning of Christmas besides all the partying and drinking ourselves silly and have the mother of all hangovers the next day? Let's not forget it is also the best time to loosen our purse strings and spend like there's no tomorrow? Nowadays, Christmas is so commercialized that it has lost its true meaning and why there is Christmas in the first place. What we have adopt so far is just the "spirit" of giving where we buy presents, we party, we decorate our house with the fake trees, mistletoes, socks, Santa Claus, hollys etc. Maybe I'm skeptical about Christmas nowadays. I used to enjoy this period of the year, where everything slows down, festivities in the air, holidays to look forward to, spending time with my loved ones and the arrival of a brand new year. I realized as I grow older, I'm more cynical and jaded about certain things. Things that I used to take for granted is now no longer so. Things are different now, the outlook is different, the perspective of how things seem to be is different. I used to live for Christmas day coz it means presents and more presents and food and wine and the whole family at home.

Nowadays, I find that the true meaning of Christmas is lost. We celebrate Christmas for Jesus, our Savior was born. We celebrate Christmas to remember the day mankind was saved "For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life" (John 3:16) I believe in this and I still do. Just that I find a lot of people have forgotten this point. I find it sad and disappointing. Heck, I was once like that, I believed in Santa, I believed in the Christmas tree and presents, more the presents. But does anyone know the origin of the Christmas tree and why on top of the tree is the angel or star? What does it represent? There is a reason and mean to everything. We should not be doing things for the sake of doing and definitely not because it is part of culture or pressure. We should be doing things because we believe in it and it should be done for the RIGHT reason.

Welcome to the REAL world~~!!

I received a rude shock when I just started working. There were so many different things to learn and I don't expect anyone to teach me. But then, its really like paying life's dues. Moreover, its at times like this I realized that all my 19 years of education from kindergarten right up to tertiary education had not prepared me for it. What's worse is that most of the time, those with the right balance of street smart attitude and the paper education will succeed and leaving the rest of us to ponder about it. Most of the time in my job, thinking on my feet, out of the box and think fast. These are the soft skills that formal education had not prepared me for. C'mon, we all know about Malaysian education that is more or less spoon fed and basically memorize everything and literally "vomit" it all out during exams.

That's why when I first started working I realized they are people that is just so straight. Its difficult working with people when they are following the books and not knowing the difference between a violation and flexibility. I mean there are times where certain things that if you do cross a line, it is a violation and there are certain things when you do it, its ok. And there is a reason for process and procedures to ensure we do not break any rules or regulations and thus, saving our asses. However, nowadays with people that just follows the rules by the book, these process and procedures are taken like a bible. Where everything must be followed to the T, not a single thing left out and not a single thing to be missed. It gets to the point of annoying and too much. Don't get me wrong. I am not hiding anything or I'm not being truthful. I am. Just that there are certain things which can be interpreted differently but its so subjective that we can't argue and all our point of view have fallen on deaf ears.

So in the end, its frustrating and it is really the REAL world where we get to see different people, learn how to manage different people and learn how to get a job done that is a win-win situation for everyone. Difficult but hey, that's what I'm paid to do. Let's face it, if there is no curve ball in life, life is very boring and the journey of it will just be flat.

In Sickness and In Health

Sometimes I equate working to a marriage. We signed on the dotted line pledging our time and life to the other half. We will still go to work although we are sick and when in health we push harder. Working takes about 10 hours or so in a days. That's more than 1/2 a day is spent at work. I see my colleagues more often than my family members. Something that is quite easy to do as my sisters are in Singapore :p I think my colleagues know more stuff about me than my sisters.

That's similar to a marriage. A marriage also we sign on the dotted line pledging time and life and money. The only difference is at work, we get paid and in marriage we pay out :p

Anti Social or Social Inept?

In the recent months, I've taken to avoid any social gatherings by my friends except for invites to club, drink, afternoon coffee and shopping. I'm a well known person who doesn't attend the company's functions. Reason being is I see my colleagues more than enough from Monday to Friday. I don't need to see them as well on the weekends. To those who are closer to me, calls me anti social for this behavior. hmmmm... I wonder if that is true.

Yesterday, a colleague of mine mentioned that I'm not good with small talks. He might be right there because my tongue is in knots whenever the thought of making small talks with people I just met. There is really an art to small talk. So far, only a few of the people that I know can do it so seamlessly, it doesn't seem like they are putting any effort in adapting to the situation. On a hindsight to that, I can chatter a million to a dozen if you can just give me one topic. But then somehow the art of small talk is just something I can't master. Somehow I feel this has something to do with my impatience to speed things up.

So whether I'm anti social or social inept, I leave it to you to decide.

McDull at the clinic

One of my favorite Hong Kong cartoon. Super funny to those who understand Cantonese

Afraid of Hurt

Aren't we all afraid of getting hurt? Something struck within me, when someone thought that they are afraid of hurting me. In all relationships, there is bound to be someone getting hurt. I might have hurt you today but tomorrow you might hurt me back. There is nothing in this world we can prevent it from happening. It is just like a parent wanting to keep their child safe. They will do anything within their means to ensure that. But to me, that's bad parenting. If a child doesn't understand the meaning of hurt and pain, the child will not grow up strong and will not be able to stand the test of time. I've said before I'm a firm believer of making mistakes and learning from it. If a person doesn't fall, that person will never learn the real meaning of living. Because in life, there will also be ups and downs and more so when we are talking about human interaction. There will be room for hurt, joy, sorrows and laughter. There is a Cantonese saying that goes, all relationships will have a mixture of sweet, sour, bitter and spicy. If you think about it, it is true. A relationship will be a bore if there isn't any tender moments, argument, love, tears and a whole lot more of ingredients.

However, that particular comment caught me off guard because what makes that person so sure, I'll end up being hurt? But also, it brought me back memories of a certain guy in my life whose comment was, "You are so strong and if we were to break up, I know, you'll be able to pick up the pieces and move on" I guess that remark should have sent warning bells up my head. I just realized in that relationship, there already was an end in mind and it is definitely not happily ever after. So now, someone made that comment. I wonder if it ever happen, will I be able to pick up the pieces again and move on? Then, if that's the case, I'm going into this relationship with an end in mind and this time it is also not a happily ever after. Is it really that elusive? Am I just young and naive to think that when we start a relationship, things are hunky dory and it won't matter what the problem is because we will solve it together? Thoughts to ponder on when I'm more sane to understand this.

Of Weddings and Riots....

It has been a weekend of sorts once again. With Sook Yan's dinner on Saturday, clubbing with friends after that and colleague's wedding dinner on Sunday and also the riots on Sunday morning. It was definitely an eventful weekend. Pictures from Sook Yan's do.

My weekend started with a massage. A super relaxing one that the masseur knotted and kneaded all my tight and tense muscles. It was a painful experience~~!! My muscles especially my back and shoulder muscles as been at odds' ends. Add on with my yoga classes they have not been properly conditioned to the stress and the strenuous activities, i guess. My body felt loads better after the massage. It made me relax. After that, went to pick a friend up before getting ready for the dinner. Wore a low back black dress. My own LBD add on with gold earrings.

Sook Yan was beautiful in her maroon wedding dress and a cheongsam later on. I was so envious of her small waist and voluptuous body :) (oh well, time to hit the gym hard). The wedding dinner was fun as at our table was Jan Nie, Geena, Lai Peng, Chun Mun, Hai Yen, Emily, Wei Kang and Ken. We had fun time gossiping about others and catching up on the latest news of other people. A reunion of sorts for us ;p Some were saying we gather here just to gossip :p Also, during the toasting, I believe our table was the loudest for the "Yam Seng". Others that beg to defer, its ok, it will be rejected by us anyway ;)

We stayed on for a bit more before going home. Took pictures with the bride and groom before going back. We had accompanied Hai Yen, walking 4 floors up and down in search of her car. Things I'll forever remember Hai Yen for ;p (thanks babe for the workout after the heavy meal~~!!) After that, went back to change into something more comfortable, my ever trusty jeans and headed off to Velvet for the remainder of the night. Had my first taste of Macallan 12 years and Moet & Chandon. It was nice and I loved their taste, smooth and easy on the throat. Somehow Black Label didn't taste that fantastic after that. Partied with another bunch of people that night but saw some friends there as well. This time, one of them pulled me up the podium to dance but I was laughing nonstop at his antics rather than dancing. In the end, left at 2.30am and WALKed all the way to a mamak with the best curry fish head (or so they claim~!) But the roti canai and dhal was worth the trip there. It was one of the best dhal I've ever tasted.

The next day, I woke up to a large crowd outside gathering and protesting. It was super eventful as I sat there watching the large crowd running up and down, chanting and then see them washing their faces, hands and drinking from the water flowing in front of Maya. With the helicopters flying above our head, police issuing warnings asking the crowd to disperse. I can understand why the tear gas and water cannons were used. It was ridiculous. Just thought that there are better ways to demonstrate. What we all perceive as right and justice will be seen differently from those sitting on the other side of the fence. I am not saying I'm not sympathizing with the plights of minorities in Malaysia. Heck, I'm also a minority here but the fact is by demonstrating, protesting and disorderly conduct, EVERYONE is at the losing end. What good does it bring to demonstrate a rally on the basis that you want to submit a petition to the British High Commission when they are not there to receive it? What good does it bring to tear down the temple's gates, throwing stones, provoking the policemen, throwing bottles and Molotov cocktails? As I was browsing through some international headlines on this matter, there are some that neglected to mention that the crowd that had gathered were not peaceful and not orderly as they had promised. What was shown and edited was not exactly the true picture. It has only shown one side, the protesters' side. I hope that there is a better way to resolve this. There has to be rather than just a show of emotions on the streets where it waste money, resources, endangers public safety, pollutes country image and it ultimately means, no investors, bad economy and then the cycle starts all over again. Is it worth it? wouldn't the money spent on all these nonsense unfruitful business be better spent on improving the lives of the Indian community? It has always been an uphill battle to improve standards of living but if there isn't a determination and discipline of each individual, there's so much everyone else can do.

.......

Many had asked me before what is it I want to do? What is it I want to get out of this life? What direction do I want to take? What do I expect out of this life? To me, to be happy in life and in everything I do. That's what I want out of this life. To those who know me, will know I'm strong and I have the never say die attitude and daring adventurous side of me to face every single adversity that comes my way. I either bulldoze my way out or I'll find a way out by all means. I've never known to give up and I've never known to lose faith in what I do, never to lose sight of my target. I've always set a high expectation for myself. Be it, at work, at life, anything. When I don't achieve it, I'll be set for a moment and move on. I've never fell down hard and can't get up. But recently, I'm giving up before I even started. Some say I need a break, some say I need to rest, some say I need to give myself some leeway and not set such high expectations. Set realistic expectations.

I had always strive adrenaline. The adrenaline rush that comes with meeting those expectations, the feeling when all is done and achieved. It is really an indescribable feeling. No words can express what I feel in all those moments. Its like when I go diving, a peaceful sense of achievement :) All my worries and fears just don't seem so big anymore...

Another weekend, another wedding

There is something in the air recently. Almost someone I know is getting married, be it from school, university, work and even relatives. It must be a good chinese calendar date where the whole month of November is filled to the brim of with wedding dinners and people I know attending someone else's wedding dinner. Last weekend, one of my high school bestie had her tea ceremony and a pre wedding party. She's the first amongst us that is getting married. First to register her marriage. Looking back amongst my friends, we have 3 registered, 3 planning for their wedding next year, 1 mom, 2 going steady with their partners and the rest of us still enjoying life. I guess we are a mixed bunch and we all chose our own lifestyle :)

Friday night was the pre-wedding party, where we had a buffet dinner with those who will be attending the wedding dinner the following week. For most of us, its like a reunion of sorts. There were people there we haven't seen for like 10 years and I realized we haven't change all that much in this 10 years. Yes, we have all grown up but we are all the same girls ultimately. The same group that will gossip, laugh hysterically over the silliest stuff and play chor tai dee non stop. Although we are all in geographically different places with each of our own lives to live, when we meet up, conversation is always nonstop :) And on Friday night, Sook Yan has her hair combing thingy. Where there was prayers and wishes for a happily ever after marriage. Jan was in her element absorbing the whole thing :p Well, we all participated and help in ways that we could and that is to sit one side and help when ordered and make glutinous rice balls. There was red and white. Apparently, red symbolizes girls and white symbolizes boys. So in my bowl, there was more red than white and Sook Yan's bowls has more white than red. However, I've laid claims on the daughter that she will have. That's my god-daughter. :)

On Saturday was the tea ceremony. Where we arrived to see Sook Yan in her gown looking so beautiful. Of course, we took loads of pictures with the bride and all of us "chi mui". There were 11 of us girls and 6 of the guys. The guys arrived at 11am and I was the key negotiator for ang pau money from the guys. Basically, if the guys don't meet our demands of RM 99,999, they have tasks to perform. First up was carrying Dave up 2 flights of stairs. That was simple. Second was drinking 3 cups of something sweet. First was condensed milk, second was rose syrup and third was honey. I can imagine how bad all the 3 taste. Yucks~~!! Surprisingly, the groom was sporting. Later, we had him doing push ups while saying the things Sook Yan wanted to hear. I was actually thinking of getting him to do a chaturanga (a yoga pose) but then, he doesn't seem like able to go any lower. Oh yes, while doing the push up, he was wearing Sook Yan's bra. Quite the hilarious~~!! In the end, he had to propose to Sook Yan all over again. His opening line was "After 7 years of dating, if we don't get married, what else can we do?"

After that was the tea ceremony. The usual talk talk talk talk, drink drink drink.. :) I was joking saying Dave's smile is already ISO certified. Same fixed smile in all the photos. Ultimately, I'm happy for the 2 of them. They are so happy together. And I can't help feeling a little jealous. :p

So to Sook Yan and Dave, have a wonderful journey ahead~~!! Remember your daughter will be my god-daughter :)

Motivation to work?

I think I have blog a lot about work. But nowadays it just hits me bad. I'm tired of justifying the fact that I can't manage my time when most of the time I'm in a fire fighting mode. It tires me out easily and leaves me unmotivated to chase numbers, meet my sales plan or even carry out my day-to-day responsibilities. Sleep has been eluding me for the past 3 weeks or close to a month. Things are not looking any brighter and I'm hitting the gym on a daily basis in hopes that I can catch some forty winks at night.

Something is just troubling me but I can't point a finger to it. Neither can I isolate the problem. I wonder am I really going bonkers??? I hope one fine day I can have a good sleep and sleep all the troubles and worries away.

Another weekend, another party

Its another weekend gone. Why does it seem all weekends seem to pass by in a blink of an eye? This whole week has been a bittersweet week as someone so poignantly coined it. It has all the ups and downs and surprises that equates a soap opera, a day time drama :p ok, that was in my overactive mind and the need for exaggeration. However, the whole week has been a series of ups and downs at work, at personal life, an early morning surprise visit, a Broadway show, a wedding discussion and a weekend party at Velvet~! All in a lot of ongoings for the week and in the end, the ending was something I didn't expect nor hope and it turned out fine. At least now, I have something to hope for in the coming 2 weeks and it will be filled with loads of activities and fun and anticipation. Because the week that cultiminated at Velvet had brought on a different dimension and maybe a little hope.

But for once in Velvet, things were quiet and the dancefloor was empty at 12midnite. Now that is very surprising. Ok, being the doofus and ignorant that I am, I had to be told by a foreigner that there was a riot in KL and everyone had stayed home in fear that things will get out of control. But then, the fact was my journey from my house to Bangsar and then to Zouk was smooth and peaceful. No signs of riots taking place and no signs of rioters marching and chanting and shouting. So there goes my ignorance. However, as I was surfing I saw that the riots was reported in several international press like International Herald Tribune, New York Times, Reuters, BBC News, AP, Al Jazeera etc. I was also watching the few clips that reported on it. The one by Al Jazeera hit home hard about Malaysia's political stability, government and democracy. This is the clip.



I wonder how does it spell out our democratic government. Does it mean we don't have a fair and clean election all these while? Does it mean our government is a farce and we are in the same league as Myanmar and Pakistan?

The riots did bring back memories of Anwar Ibrahim's trial. He was our ex Deputy Prime Minister, accused of sodomy and a string of charges as well. I remember that period very well because it shook Malaysia's political stability to its core. Some said it was a political agenda, some said he really did it. In my opinion whether he did or didn't do, its his personal life and so what if he really sodomize someone? I was still in high school then and with my high school strategically situated directly behind the National Mosque, going home on Fridays after 2pm would be a challenge. I remember an incident where my friends and I wanting to cross the road to get to Dayabumi for lunch and then head on to the bus stations for our bus ride home. And on our right we had the protesters heading towards us and on our left, the Federal Reserves Unit (F.R.U) was marching towards us. We were stuck right in the middle without knowing what to do and we panicked there and stood stuck to our position. In the end, a policewoman came and urged us to cross the road to Dayabumi where it is safe. So in we ran and for the first time, we didn't have to worry about the oncoming traffic~!!!

I had always thought Malaysia as a politically stable country where we have access to all media, free press, clean and friendly image with the exception of a certain royalty privileges granted to an ethnic group. However, reality is starting to sink in with bribery at large, government scandals uncovered, media control and my interactions with the outside world seems to paint a different Malaysia than the one I knew and I grew up in. Somehow, I wonder is Malaysia really spiraling downwards? Are we being sucked into a whirlpool and being dragged down? What does it mean to all of us Malaysians?

To err is human, to forgive is divine

I've come to the realization that i have made a mistake, a huge mistake. That in the end its going to cost me more than anything I can give, and more than anything I would ever do to make up for it. Someone told me once to my face, I'm self centred and I have a big ego. But somehow self confidence is lacking when it comes to physical appearance. Contradicting? Yup, that's me.

The mistake I've made, well, maybe its because I'm skeptical of how much truth a person can tell. I'm skeptical of relationships and I'm too skeptical to give that person the benefit of doubt. Till that person told me needed time to chill out. That's when my mental being goes into overdrive. All the suspecting and suspicious thoughts just went through my mind. All sense of reasoning, rational and what not just flew out of the window. Benefit of the doubt wasn't even in the picture. Trust me. I needed time to think and ponder. Instead I became this selfish, irrational, unreasonable person. Calling, sms-ing just to demand an explanation. When it was all ignored, I was doing it with a renewed zealous. Till I scared myself and I scared the other person. I wonder what had overcame me all of a sudden? I was never unreasonable. I might not be a cool headed person but I was never out of control. I wasn't cool, calm. I had no sense of bearing of what had occurred and what are the impacts of my doings. I was really out of control of myself and emotions.

I knew with my actions last night, I would have most likely lost a friend. A close one where it has been so comfortable just talking with. I still remember the first time we went out. We were just sitting there at Starbucks chatting and laughing away. It was fun because it has been so long since I had a witty companion to chat with. Before we met up, I remember saying it would be fun to chat with because I would finally have a sparring partner. Gloves not needed :p I'll always remember Central Fire Station and 7 Eleven. The Haagen Dazs Almond ice cream, dark chocolate Snickers, Dark Bitter Men Pocky and BBQ flavored Lays. Whatever you may say, Lays is always best BBQ flavored :)

If you ask me, I've messed things up big time. My ego had gotten into the way of things. I wasn't truthful or upfront about certain things or rather a lot of things. I didn't want to say that my days are more bearable since this person entered my life. I didn't want to say that I'm smiling more often and thinking about that person makes me smile. Everyday when I open my eyes wide, I check my phone for any sms or calls, and every night before I go to sleep, I wait in anticipation of a good night sms. Whenever I logged on to the net, first thing I do is to check my MSN contact list. Hoping that this person will be online and free to chat. I'm smiling and laughing a lot more nowadays. I dare not say it but then it was me reciprocating the feelings. Just that I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to make it more obvious when I assumed it was obvious to that person. It was an assumption and those assumptions has already got us to quarrel more often nowadays.

I guess yesterday was the last straw for the both of us. I wasn't fair to the both of us. I wasn't fair to that person at all. I definitely did not handle it well at all. I really hope to be given a chance to remedy my mistake. But I'm scared, afraid of what will happen next. Afraid that it is the end of something that had never been given time and the chance to begin, a beginning that I was afraid to explore. I know there are a lot of things to be said and done and there are a lot more to consider or to weigh the decisions. I just hope that I'm given a chance to talk and to understand that person more and maybe just to smile at him, 'coz I remember he mentioned once as long as I smile and be happy, he'll be happy. Sorry my dear for my actions and my words.

Age, time and life..

Someone asked me last week, "How does it feel to be 25 years old?" It was asked in jest, in interest or just plain curiousity, I don't know. But then, I don't feel like I'm 25, I feel as though I'm way older than 25. I have felt tired and restless the whole entire week. So in a way to make myself feel better, I do what any sane girl my age would do, I checked my horoscope for the day. This is what it says....

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

The Bottom Line

Toss out something today -- a relationship, grudge or assumption. You'll feel good.

In Detail

Every time you get rid of an old idea, assumption or unwanted item, you make room for a new influx of energy and growth. Today, you could use a big dose of freshness, so see what you can do to empty a few closets (emotional and bedroom alike). Whether you toss out a relationship, a grudge or an old sweater, you'll immediately feel a sense of freedom and relief. You've been released from hanging onto what you thought you needed. The truth is you already have everything you need.

Now I wonder, is there any emotional baggage or unwanted items that I have been carrying with me all these while. Looking at it, I woke up tired, restless, insomnia laden and lack of sleep. Was up the whole night not be able to sleep, restless and my whole body aching :( the whole body aching was my own doing, I just went overboard in yoga last night. Pushed myself to hold all the asanas and pushed myself to go lower, press harder, hold longer. Till even my yoga instructor, Kunal, noticed. He even asked me to go slow just so that I don't get my muscles tight again which is a frequent occurence nowadays. Even when I do sun salutations, I do a full chaturanga which is a full push up and holding it there. I was frustrated at work, angry at what bitches of work I get and unfair that certain people who seem to be working so hard is totally lost on the bosses where as the leeches stay on. Is it fair? Does this mean it will be my turn soon? To work so hard and lose it all with just one manager's decision? There are loads of things on my mind that worries me. One is I don't know what I would get next year. I've been thinking of changing roles, been thinking of expanding my portfolio, been thinking of working outside of KL, been thinking of traveling, quitting and also been thinking of just getting married to any guy that comes along my way. I somehow wish life comes with a guidebook, a book of rules, a set of planners that is tailored to individual needs. We all have our guidebooks, the Bible comes to mind. But then, to me I'm looking for something that tells me the black from the white and not that grey area is still ok.

Looking at the list of things my horoscope had spelt out to throw. The first is relationship. I have had 2 serious relationship so far. Both had ended by now. If you ask me if I regret those relationships, I don't. If I have any hung ups about it, I don't either. I took each relationship at that time very seriously and was whole heartedly into it. Now, I have guys around me. Issey is one of them or rather for now a major one. But he is not here and I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks. Does this mean its lost? Or does it mean that I have to give him time to find his way back to me? There's also another guy who I can feel myself falling for him. If you ask me if its love, I don't know. But the feelings are there, the chemistry is there. But he has more emotional baggage than me. And frankly, I don't know whether am I courageous enough to go through it knowing that I won't be the most important person in his life? Not now and definitely not in the future. He has his own problems and when I need attention, I need it badly. I know he likes me, but then he can't focus on me and he can't give me his full attention. Is feelings and chemistry enough? Is it enough for a relationship to bloom, to be nurtured? I understand that after all the initial feelings die, there has to be something substantial to continue making the relationship work.

But this is coming from a girl whose longest relationship is 3 years and it was on off for 2 years. So ultimately, the longest relationship I ever had was 1.5 years. I have never imagined myself and never could think that I can be in a relationship. I don't know if I'm meant to have an everlasting one. To be able to find a soulmate and stay together till death do us part. That is just plain scary. Imagine, day in and day out, you wake up and sleep next to the same guy. Would you know what they are thinking about? Would you be able to anticipate their next move? Would you be able to tell that he is trustworthy?

I'm scared at the end of the day. Scared of taking a gamble with my heart and feelings because the irreversible damage that it can cause will just make me more jaded and cynical than I already am. It will not be fair to the next guy. In all relationships that I have, I make no comparisons. Neither would I want to because it is not fair. Why? Because each guy is different, each guy has their own pros and cons, each guy is unique with their own quirks. I'm never the kind that will draw up a list of pro and con of the guy to decide if I should be in the relationship. I just evaluate and take the plunge. And mind you, the plunge I'm taking would just be a small step in front of me, its not the free falling kind. But then I also believe, if I don't gamble big my returns would not be big as well. Yes, I'm contradicting myself now. Maybe that's why I have never had an ever lasting relationship because I'm not willing to take the risks.

Ultimately, I like how my horoscope ended. It said that I can let go of things as I already have everything I needed. And that is true. I have a family, a group of besties, stable job and income, satisfied with what I have now except for my monthly bank balance. Even if there is no guy in my life now, I'm ok and I'm satisfied and proud of what I've achieved so far. Maybe, I should just clean out my closet. Get rid of some old clothes so that I have room for my recent purchases :p

My resolutions for 2007 so far

Its time for my yearly report card, a time for me to reflect what I had achieved so far. Well, looking back at what I had written back in January I guess I have achieved some, gave up on some and still trying to delude myself that I can do it within the next 2 months.

1. To do well in my company. I would want to be able to at least achieve 100% of my target and more. I think for this, I've already more or less achieved in with 2 more months to go. I'm at least 82% there. With my current workload, I think I can work towards this.

2. To spend more time with family. Take at least 2 saturdays or sundays in a month and bring my parents out. Ahhh... yess... This one, I've improved it to every saturday or sunday I'll bring them out :)

3. To spend more time with friends. I've made an arrangement with my best friend to meet up at least every saturday for drinks and shopping just to catch up. Yes, I've made new friends along the way of this year and I meet up with my friends, different groups of them every week or sometimes after work dinner.

4. To go church. This have been a sore point in my life. I haven't made an attempt to go church since 2005. Its time I take this into my hands and make good of it. This is the one I've given up. 'Nuff said

5. To spend less. I aim to save at least 20% of my monthly salary... hmmm.. i've yet to achieve this. Hmmm... achieving this.. Just need to stop shopping :p

6. To have more work life balance. 'Nuff said about this one. A lot better now...

7. To go gym 3 times weekly. I've known to be so lazy that I can't even make it once a week. Time to be healthy Hah~~!! Finally one overachievement here, ladies and gentlemen.... I'm now currently 4-5 times a week in gym....

8. To do charity work. I've always wanted to do the pay for a child thingy in a 3rd world country. Guess now its time to pay back the society that taught me. Guilty for not doing this.

9. To go on at least 2 dive trips this year. Its high time I visit my dolphins and turtles. This is the one I'm still deluding myself that i can still make it for year end.. Keeping my fingers cross on this one.

So there you have it Pei Jet's pre-report card comments... Looks like I'm there but still not there... But in the end, I'm a happy Pei Jet, satisfied and content with loads of room for improvement :)

Pat Et Stanley

The Super funny duo... though I don't understand what they are saying.. But its dem funny... Enjoy~~~~~!

Different religion?

There was a time when I thought 2 people that are in love can cross all hurdles to reach their happily ever after ending. I might be naive then or simplistic. But isn't all that matters the most in a relationship? Love and trust? I've learnt it is not all true. The person you marry, sleeping next to you every night is not the person you can trust the most. I've known married men who strays and thinks that it is ok. Because sex with different people is different and men are programmed to spread their genes. That very thought grossed me out and it still does. Its scary. In this world we live in where crime rates are climbing and its no longer safe just to walk out from the house. But that is another matter altogether.

There are skeptics out there that wonders about a happily ever after fairy tale ending. I admit I'm one of them now. Someone asked me whether I want to get married for the wedding or the marriage. You know girls always envisioned their own wedding ceremony, dress and the nitty gritty details. But that's the wedding CEREMONY not a marriage. A marriage is hard work. I always wonder did Cinderella really adjust to the palace life or did they divorce or stray (a'la Princess Diana) or did Snow White stay on with the 7 dwarfs? I've wised up. A marriage certificate doesn't mean that things will work out fine. It doesn't mean that when you ink your name on the dotted line and looking into your partner's eyes and say "I do", everything will be hunky dory. But it means that you have to work and had agreed to work to get to your destination. Marriage like any other relationship means hardwork. And this brings me back to my point, where 2 persons of different religion, background and culture, the work is harder and at times seem futile.

I've never thought of it this way. We might be promoting globalization, where we are all global citizens. But then, with recent wave of terrorism, new worries and headaches emerged. What used to be acceptable is frowned upon now and what liberal views we have, has been closed up and people are found guilty by association and found guilty without persecution. When I start going out with Issey, I start seeing things from a different perspective and what people's reactions are. Although its a common sight to see a mat salleh with a Chinese girl, the minute he introduce himself, people will start giving us the looks. Or in this case, me the looks, shock, surprise, horror and disgust are some of the looks I've received. Yes, Issey is a Muslim and he is half Kuwaiti as well, although he looks like a Caucasian. But then, what's the big deal? There are those who thinks that I'm after the money or that dating a Caucasian is a big deal.

For one, dating a Caucasian is not as hyped up as it seems. I know there are some Caucasian jerks out there. The verdict is out there for you to take sides. But I do admit that most of them that I know of are gentlemen and know how to take care of a lady with respect and as a partner, an equal. But that doesn't mean that we Asians don't have that. We do have our fair share or more of gentlemen out there as well. So dating a Caucasian is not all that fantastic.

Secondly, when I first met Issey, I only knew him as an American on business trip to KL. So I don't know about his background and the money is definitely not a factor. Yes, he has the ability to buy me a lot of luxurious items. Give me a choice, I would want him by my side rather than the expensive items.

And finally, the religion. He is a Muslim. So what? I grew up in a multiracial country where half of my childhood friends are Muslims and I do know a bit more about Islam, thanks to my early exposure. The major concern everyone has is because of Lina Joy's case. To the uninitiated, Lina Joy was born a Muslim and converted to Christianity and there was a furor over her case as NRD refused to change her religion status. Furthermore it was brought to court, rejected, appealed and finally, the High Court has maintained the earlier verdict where Lina Joy is not allowed to change her religion status. In hindsight, this caused a backlash and another bigger hooha where Islam is misunderstood once again. I don't know of any "escape clause" in any religion for that matter. But the freedom to practise religion of your choice has been rejected and compromised. Also, over the weekend, I've watched a documentary on CNN by Christiane Amanpour. It was aptly named as "God's Warriors". It was an eye opener for me as it shows that religion is now used as a political tool for others to pursue world domination perhaps. Terrorism, fight against Weapons of Mass Destruction, 9/11 all these were the turning point of the world where religion and faith are being questioned by the faithful.

Islam has been portrayed as a fanatic religion where suicide bombers are used to destroy Americans and other allied countries to make their stand. Whereas the political struggle of Palestine and Israelis uses religion and faith as their means of propaganda. Sometimes it feels as though its a fight between black and white, day and night. But the ironic thing is, all of these religions stemmed from the same core, same story, same beginning. Only thing that has changed is the journey of men where each have their own interpretation and it sprouted their own branch of religion. Furthermore, in an ultimate power struggle, men begin to force things down onto others. In ancient times, human follow the religion that gave them the best benefit and suited for their lifestyle then. And so the struggle continues, with the Holy Grail search, Knights of Templar, Crusaders, Holy War. It all shows power struggle rather than faith. I believe all faith and religions are peace-loving and men that devotes their time to practise their choice of religion and faith should be praised. But for those who are fanatics, be it Christians, Muslims or Jews, it is their own interpretation, men's words against God's words. I know a lot of you out there might disagree with me on this. But think about it, the Bible,the Quran and the Torah are actually men's recollection of God, Christ and His journey. It is really men's word and I believe it is the origin for the phrase "gospel truth".

I am not saying that I am atheist or that I'm a devoted Christian. I believe there is God out there and I believe that He can hear us. I also believe that regardless of religion, one must be God fearing. For it will mean that you will know your boundary for moral conduct and to be a useful human. To me, religion and faith is the core of a guidebook on life. It demonstrates a way of living where humans should model it. It doesn't mean that we should be a suicide bomber to bring a point across. It doesn't mean that we should kill or go to war to possess lands. It doesn't mean by going to places of worship you are good. It doesn't mean that if we don't have sex before marriage, we are holy. It doesn't mean that if we choose our lifestyle of constant partying is wrong. Men are given choices and we all must live and be responsible for the choices we make.

During my time spent with Issey, we came across a John Lennon poster with the lyrics to the song "Imagine". Whatever his agenda may be, but ultimately the song is asking us to imagine where the world is a place to stay in harmoniously, where differences are celebrated and where there is no war and fighting. For now, it sounds like a far fetched dream where the threat of a lone man strategy's to declare a world war 3 is looming above our heads and the world is in chaos.

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Birthday Partayyyy~!!!

Well.. I just turned 25 on the 19th October 2007. It was one hell of a stress filled day~~! The day had started at the stroke of midnight where Issey called me and wished me all the best and hopes that everyday will be a happy and fun filled days for me. That was a pleasant surprise call from Issey. First, I didn't expect him to call me and secondly, not at the stroke of midnight. :) It put a smile on my face before I slept and a spring to my walk when I woke up.

After that, there was a phone call at 7am to wake me up with a birthday song and after that numerous sms-es. :) but the coup d'tat was when my boss called me from Singapore and gave me a lecture on time management and workload. Sigh..... On top of that, I have both my reviews with my local boss and vertical boss, another headache~~!! And a turn of events, one of my deals had some major movements which ended it being registered and I made my numbers. It was one of the hardest win I've had in my short term here. At the end of the day, I didn't know when the win is sealed, my feelings was of relieve or happy. Relieve because the nightmare is finally over as I've been in this account for over a year and happy that it is the biggest win that I had single handedly brought in.

Recollecting back my journey so far in the company, I don't have a major success but I didn't fare all that bad :) I've every right to stand tall and be proud of my achievements thus far and it was made all the sweeter that my biggest single win happened on my birthday. So the day ended high with a beer in my belly (thanks, Jack) and dinner with my family and playing with my darling Joshua (who is super mischievous these days)~~!!

The real party was during the weekend. It started with lunch with 2 pretty gals where we gossip over pork knuckle and cold platter at a German house. If only I could drink an iced cold beer with it, Paulaner would be a good choice. And shopping at flea market, Mango. Bought quite a lot. After that, went to pick up a friend from singapore and went for dinner at Dome's and then it was to Velvet for my birthday party.

I had to pull some strings (thanks KEN~~!!) to get just a table for that night as there was an event there. But then, it was something fun for me as this time, 4 of my closest friends joined me and it was the first time we all went clubbing together~~!!! Attendance of the day was Ken, Jan, Lai Peng, Hai Yen, Sook Yan, Dave, Joe and Gerald. Saw some friends there as well. Above all, we all had a blast with 3 bottles of Johnnie and cocktails of Blowjob and Sex on the Beach. There was a lot of dancing and a lot of drinking, where yes, I was tipsy but not drunk. However, I was vomiting though :p and my friends all made jokes of me making new drinks.

I've got presents as well, one bracelet and a pair of earrings. Nice stuff and I loved them both :) Appreciate that some of my friends had to make a long way to attend my party. So all in, it was a blast of birthday weekend partying and presents. A blasted way to celebrate my quarter century milestones and it was marked with fiery fire at Zouk, my loved ones and my friends. Thanks guys for making it unforgettable and for a fun-filled night~~!!

L-R : Lai Peng, Jan and me before all the booze :)

L-R : Sook Yan, me, Hai Yen, Lai Peng and Jan. Surprisingly I still looked sober

L-R: Hai Yen, Sook Yan, me, Lai Peng (slightly hidden) and Jan. And I'm definitely sober in this~!!

Missing him.....

I miss my guy. Yea, I wish Issey is with me now. I hate the fact that I can't just drive over and meet him. I hate it there is a 5 hours' time difference between us and a 7 hours' flight journey in between us. I hate it that we seem to be missing each other on the phone, on the internet and whenever he is in the region I won't be free or I'll be elsewhere. And when I'm free to go look for him, he would be busy with other matters. Somehow in a long distance relationship, everything can be hunky dory when we are together like we have never been apart. But when we are apart, life goes on just with one small piece in life missing.

I had always thought my arrangement with Issey was simple and suits both our lifestyles. It is really very simple, a sms a day, a phone call a week. It worked fine for me and with webcam I get to see him whenever we can bump into each other.

With recent events, seeing him on the webcam is not enough anymore. I would want him by my side sheltering me from all the external factors. Call me manja which I am, but at times of stress and pressure and heartaches, I would want my guy by my side to protect me, shelter me, encourage me or even just to hug me. Maybe that's why Issey calls me baby. :p

baby, miss you... wish you are here with me always :( i miss meeting you after my meetings at KLCC. I miss watching movie with you, holding hands and walking through the park, the moonlight strolls, the sudden hugs and kisses in the park. I miss your hugs, miss your smiles and miss our time at SkyBar. I miss you singing softly in my ear. The first song was "When I need you"...

I hope that what you had promised me will come true. And we will be together again very soon. In the meantime, I cherish every single bit of our chats, sms, e-mails and phone calls and it will bring a happy smile to my face thinking about it :)

Pain as a stress reliever?

There are a lot of people out there who use pain to mask their emotions. It is such a relief when pain is delivered to a person who is suffering from stress, from pressure, from the urban city lifestyle. I think most will agree that the recent lifestyle of urbanites are mostly self inflicted. We choose to work longer hours, we choose to party harder, we choose to have an alternative luxurious materialistic lifestyle. After that, we spend our whole entire existence justifying our actions and our doings.

That's where pain comes in. It is a form of purification, an act of cleansing. Don't believe me? Some will inflict them to bring to another realm. I wonder if it works. But as for me, I'm using pain as a form of stress reliever. When I'm stressed out, I go for my yoga classes. I push myself to the max, straining my muscle, punishing them and stretching them even more and holding on. To me its a form of release. Because, it means that there is still something tat I can achieve personally although it pisses me that I can't do the same at other things. Albeit the next day's muscle aches and pain. The pleasure I get from pushing myself to the limit is something indescribable. Words just can't seem to express the joy in it. Its the same when I go for my sports. High risk, adrenaline rushing activities get to me. Wall climbing, diving, water sports, it gives me the adrenaline rush that I need to pump through and it is a change from the repetitious work life.

I found another pain that I can endure and it makes me wonder am I sadistic or am I looking for alternative source or is this just a passing phase. I realized that tattoo-ing is a pain that I willingly subject myself to and with the end results that is irreversible for the rest of my life. After I did my first tattoo, it wasn't the nail wrenching, toothaching pain as I had prepared for the worst. But then, it was a form of pain that hurts, and the pyschological bearings it has on you. After that, the healing process of it is another PAIN in the ass. Trust me. There is nothing like a good scratch for an itch but this itch, you can't scratch for the fear of spoiling the tattoo. sigh... but the end results, LOVELY :p After this, I'm already planning for my next tattoo. yes, tattoo-ing is addictive and I want every single tattoo that I'm getting carries a meaning to me as I want it to be a mark, a milestone of my life.

Anticipating my 25th Anniversary

Yea... I'll be 25 in 2 weeks time to the dot. I can't remember a single year where a lot of things happened for me as much as 2007. Major ups and downs. I grew up this year. You know the song from Britney Spears, I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman. It was a song before she had gotten herself knocked up, messed up and divorced and definitely way before her "Look-At-Me, I'm-Not-Wearing-Undies" days. It was one song that had struck a chord in me describing how I had been feeling all these while. I'm definitely not a girl anymore, my womanly curves proved that together with my heavier responsibilities in both personal and work. But I'm not yet a woman as well.

What defines a woman? For me, the ability to be comfortable in their own skin, revel in their sexuality, celebrate her beauty (wrinkles, spot marks, stretch marks and all), confident, satisfied with their work, able to enjoy life to the fullness and most of all just happy being in their own skin. I have had my bouts of insecurity about my body. Hang ups about me in my own skin. It is difficult to explain where in the era of skinny, thin, leggy and tall models, I'm short with curves and hips and a flabby tummy. I can't place myself being seen as beauty or even a babe. I won't deny that I had been anorexic, I don't eat for days or when I do eat, it will be water and maybe 3 bites of food. But I still can't shed the pounds. So I turn to vomiting after food. I can tell you, at that time, there was just such pleasure putting the finger down the throat and vomiting. It feels as though I can enjoy the food literally and minus the calories. If you ask me, there is also the period where I diet like crazy, low calories diet, 1000 calories diet, high protein low carb diet, south beach diet, blood group diet, I've really tried them all. I remember an incident where I was dieting, practically starving myself to death, and vomiting after each morsel of food as soon as I had tasted it. I never felt so low about myself as I was at that time. And I had never felt so ugly. I didn't lose the weight for sure instead I packed on MORE~~!!! God must be playing a joke on me at that time. I wasn't fat but trust me, the last few extra pounds to lose was horrible. My best friend had kept telling me that I'm good looking but I didn't believe her instead gave her a dubious look.

But at the start of this year, something in me had sparked, imagine a light bulb lit up. That's what had happened to me. I woke up from all the delusions. A 1.5 years of relationship ended this year. I had placed more importance in my work. I made an effort to be close with my parents, spend more time with them. I had also made an effort to call up old friends just to chat, to catch up. I've lost a lot of friends as I was making a transition period from university to work. It took me 2 years to find my footing. I had started a regimen of gym and healthy diet. I've lost and shed pounds I had packed on. I went down 2 dress sizes, I'm healthier nowadays. I go for yoga, long runs on the treadmill and now hoping to add weight training to my regimen. I had also learnt to take a step back from work. Not pushing myself to the limits and not to take things personal if there were problems. I have people who loves me. I have met new people, fresh faces to make my life more interesting. It makes me realized that I can't always be self centered. It can't be just about Pei Jet the whole entire damn time.

In a way, I've grown up. I face my responsibilities head on. I don't shirk away from it as I had used to. I don't runaway anymore from the things I'm supposed to do. I'm still headstrong, I'm still a smart aleck at times, I'm still very stubborn and independent. But I've learnt to let go, to smile more often, to be more pleasant to people, to be more patient, to use a little bit more tact in life. I'm slowly freeing myself from my self-imposed prison. I learnt also that I can't take shit and nonsense from any guys and I deserve love and respect from them. In other words, I've grown up a little bit more this year. I'm not a woman yet but I'm paving the way there. And I hope that when I reach that destination, there will be other surprises there waiting for me.

To mark my 25th anniversary God has given me a life, I've gotten a tattoo on my right lower back. Its a picture of a butterfly flying. Its to remind me, beauty is really a short lived passing moment and all that remains will be the process to get there and enjoying very single moment of this life God has granted me. I might have make mistakes along the way. But heck, I've learnt by those mistakes and it forms part of the foundation of the road and way to an adulthood, womanhood. I'm waiting in anticipation of the next milestone in my life. I don't know what it is and what it will be, but happy or sad, good or bad, I'll face it head on and live through it and reminisce on it as I grow older. I'm sure it will bring a soft smile to my face the same way as I recall my teenage stupidity and my childhood inhibitions.

"So to myself, I wish a Happy 25th Birthday and I hope you guys out there will celebrate it with me and welcome the day with fireworks and fanfare as it marked a milestone of ME inching towards adulthood and womanhood and life."

Happiness?

In a person's life, there are always ups and downs, left and right. Life will not be what it seems to be. When everything seems to be smooth sailing, life will be thrown a curveball. What distinguish a person's capability or strength in situations like this is their adaptability. And that is a human's capability. To be a camouflage in situations like this and adapt to the situation life has thrown to you. I'm a firm believer of what doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. My life has never been smooth sailing. It has its ups and downs. While it was up, I'll be afraid of it coz it means there will be a down period as dictated by Newton's law of gravity. But now, I've learnt to take it in stride regardless it is up or down. I'll still sulk and moan and groan at the down period but then I'll rejoice and smile and laugh during an up period. Life can't always be on the same path and stagnant on the same pace. My learning curve in my 1.5 years in a MNC has been steep and at times its vertical. But that is what contributes to the life curve ball. We can all complain life is a bitch. And it is if you let it get to you.

For me, I've learnt it the hard way. I found out that no matter how hard I go against people or life's lessons, the harder I try to stay afloat, the stronger the impact it has on me. The harder the climb to overcome the curve. However, now, I've learnt not to be so hard headed. If things don't go well, go with the flow. Take a deep breathe, smile and things will seem a lot brighter than they once was. Subsequently, give it all up, go for yoga, get a good night sleep and it will be a BRAND NEW day tomorrow to start AFRESH.

I've taken a huge step back when it comes to my work and outlook in life recently. Things that doesn't seem so wrong I've learnt to let go, not to take it to heart anymore. Its difficult as it is to learn to swim but to gulp down loads of water and still remain afloat, you have gotta be a yogi~~!! I try not to get upset over it. And hell,even if I'm upset about it, there is nothing a Hoegaarden can't do to correct it. A wise lady once told me, if there are negative news about you, allow yourself the chance to be upset for ONE minute. After that, think positively and smile. Things won't be all that bad.

And that is true, as the saying goes, sticks and stones can hurt my bones but names can never hurt me. As they say if it doesn't kill you, it just makes you stronger!

Do I look like them???

Of Bald Men and Me

Recently there have been a lot of interest in me when I go clubbing. To some who don't know me may think I'm just bragging. But let me clarify that statement. I'm not a super hot babe, and I do know it. I have a curvy figure that is quite proportionate and also, it comes with a flabby tummy~~!!! Although I have lost weight, but I still have a long way to go to get rid of the tummy. And yes, my BMI is in the healthy range. So I'm happy and confident about my body :)

Back to the recent guys I've met. yes, they are all men above 35. I wonder why. It all started from a chinese married guy, followed by a Englishman. Then, I moved on to Issey who is a Kuwaiti bald, then, its another indian guy followed on with another Eurasian bald, Indian air steward and a chinese. Mind you, all at different clubs and times. So my conclusion, I've taken globalization a bit too literal~~!! :p

But all these are in for pure, clean fun. And it is fun knowing them and getting to know people. Maybe because we were in a club and the darkness of it has clouded my judgement and add on with alcohol, beer googles has set in :) But most of them, i've met them the following week and they are still as fun sober as they are partying. I guess that I've been lucky so far and it probably means that there is really no boundaries to people in terms of characteristics and attitude. Maybe I'm just lucky thus far with meeting people. However, the conclusion, I guess I attract older guys and more than often than not they are bald.

I guess bald men do have their own sex appeal. Whoever said bald men oozes sex appeal, I'll agree with my hands down to it. :)

Looking forward to my next clubbing session and older bald men that oozes sex appeal!! Although a certain bald guy has already has a place firmly etched in my heart. :)

Lost?

I must admit. I've been pretty lost lately. I haven't been able to relax for the longest time. Things have been flying off tangent for the longest time. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything else but work. Is work really everything? I wonder. My professional life is progressing. Things are moving forward. My deals are progressing. We are working towards closure and I can smell success within my grasps. But as this progresses forward, my personal life has taken a BIG step backwards. My lovelife is non existence. My family life is missing, my parents are currently into nagging me. My sisters are not around. Even my support structure of friends are spread across the whole entire universe, with the exception of a few.

I'm scaring myself recently. The different guys in my life and the different things that I'm doing now. The carelessness of myself. I do love myself but I wonder where things are heading to. Workwise and personal life wise. Am not happy, I crave for attention and stability. I hate the lonely moments that I get when I see my friends getting married one by one and I hate it when all my friends are out together with their other half. The sense of belonging. The sense of being cared for.

Yea, I know its part of growing up and yea, I know life sucks at its best now. But then, what is the meaning of all these things I'm going through? If it means I'm growing up then hooray. But then again, I ain't no seeing any light at the end of any tunnel.Instead I see myself spiralling down a whirlpool, a quicksand. Am I worried for myself, dem hell ya I am. But I don't know how I can move things or change things..

Guess I really need a long break and runaway and search abt myself again. I need to thikn what I want for myself rather than what everyone else wants of me. The things I want to do in life, doesn't have any impact on anyone else but myself. Maybe I really should look deep inside me to know what is it that I want out of this short life of mine.

In conclusion, I'm still lost. and I might remain lost for a long while more. But I hope to God that things will change and things will be for the better.

Me?

Your Inner Color is Orange

Your Personality: A total daredevil, you'll try any thrill. You're easily bored and you prefer to be on the go. You in Love: You see love as an adventure, and you find most men dull. You need someone who challenges you! Your Career: Your ideal job is flexible, fun, and maybe a little dangerous. You have the makings of a private investigator or extreme athlete.

What's Your Inner Color?

My First Traditional Balinese Massage

Finally I've decided to be a leech and leeched on to my sister's massage package. I wanted to have a relaxing weekend of pampering and comfort. But as luck would have it for me, I was subject to an HOUR of torture. It was a painful experience. According to the masseuse, I have too much "air" in my body and as it was my first time with Balinese massage, it will be painful. All my thoughts of relaxing and enjoyment together with aromatic scent flew right out of the dimly lit room the moment the masseuse's hands touches my body~~~~~~~!!!!! It was bad enough to be naked but to be naked and subject oneself to the torture and pain of elbows jabbing and knuckles pushing, it was not what I had anticipated. I swear the masseuse hates me from the moment I walked in the door. Maybe I was disturbing her quiet Saturday morning or maybe the person before me didn't give her any tips. But boy, was she tough~!

But surprisingly, after the one hour of torture, my whole body became flexible. I mean I couldn't feel the tension between my shoulder blades, my lower back didn't ache as much and my tummy is not as bloated. Although I sounded like an old lady with loads of ailments, I know I haven't been active. A sedentary lifestyle has taken over me. So today I realized, I won't enjoy being myself if I don't exercise. So I make a point to go gym next week, regardless of what my schedule will be :) maybe, I'll even attempt to wake up in the morning and go gym. Keeping my dear fingers cross :D

Happy Hours

I used to think that happy hours was a time for relaxation. A breather period before one goes home. I had always enjoy drinking before go home. I can come home relaxed and not so stressed out. Also, I will definitely come home in a not-so-bad mood. Sometimes I leave work feeling angry, angry at how rigid some people can be, how lazy or even how they have practised to be a grand master in Tai-Chi. Sometimes, I get angry with people so defined with their job scope that if they do anything outside of it is considered a violation to them. I'm not a saint when I work, I have my slacking moments, I also have moments of laziness and "delegating" work to others. But sometimes, I do go slightly beyond my job scope and just to work things out. I've done my fair share of work and more and earning a pay along with it. When I first started work in my current company, I used to go home frustrated and angry. I can now be the first to vouch that those feelings are definitely not good for people close to me. I get angry with my parents and my boyfriend whenever I'm pissed off with work. The slightest hint or remark can spark off an anger within me that I didn't know existed. It was a very stressful and trying period then. But now, I've found the wonders of happy hours and long, slow drive home.

I realized alcohol can make me feel relaxed. And I don't get stressed out by the time and reach home. Although, it does leave me with a tummy. But I don't drink that often. But the thought of happy hour need not be just drinking beer. A couple of friends gathering just to talk, chit chat, gossip or even bitching would be as therapeutic as knocking down a couple of beers. I guess in the end, I crave the attention of people and just good conversation. Recently my conversation have been centered around work. At times I had asked myself, is that all to my life, work???? It can't be. What happened to my diving life? What happened to my social life? What happened to my squash and swimming days? The answer was all too obvious and oblivious to me. I had sacrificed all these in the name of work and gave myself excuses along the way.

I had now stop myself, check myself and plan for my next holiday and my next gathering with friends. That's why I had DO-able resolutions this year. I intend to follow them through. I might not get a social life as fantastic or even half as active when I'm in university. But I aim to at least fill my life with things besides work. Work can be all too-consuming but heck, I'm only paid for the 8 hours a day for 5 days. The rest of the time is for me to use, plan and make a meaningful life out of it. In the end, I hope my boss will approve my annual leave~~~~~~~~!!! :p

Lost and Found

I've lost my push up bra. And I'm feeling miserable about it, very very miserable in fact. It feels like I've lost my identity in the process. Some of you might say its just a piece of clothing. But its this one piece of lingerie that defines my femininity. Its a one thing that says I'm a woman and it shows off some womanly curves. Its something that tells me I've grown up. And yes, I only bought it on a wimp after I broke up. But that's a different story. However, by losing my push up I realized that I have in my head an image of trying to be Victoria Beckham. I know I'll never be like that but heck, at least I would find some womanly curves to identify with. But now all is gone, the ONE piece that identified me with Adulthood is missing. Guess there's a damn good reason to go shopping tomorrow.

However, on the upside I went to pasar malam tonight. A night market in Malaysia is like a eating feast. Its something that all Malaysians will go out to at their neighbourhood in search of supper. Its been so long since I went to a pasar malam. The ones I've been to recently has been so commercialized and invaded by Indonesians that I hardly get the thrill of going to pasar malam. But tonight something was different. I went to the pasar malam at Sri Petaling. I've stumbled upon something from the past. I found Yu Yu Ice~~!!! Yu Yu ice was something I had when I was young. It was just flavored ice, there was corn, red beans, laici and sour plum lime. It was so heavenly. It brought back memories when I was young and all I could afford when we go pasar malam was that. It brought back memories of when I was studying in Malacca for a year and it was a weekly must-have item. It was this very flavored ice that brought me back to my childhood memories of a 5 year old holding on to my Aunt's hands and sucking on these flavored ice and thinking it was such heaven. I would eat till my lips turn red and till i get brain freeze. But as I grew older, pasar malam and Yu Yu Ice has not been a favorite place to go to, it has lost its appeal. It wasn't cool and its a hot and sweaty place, it was all replaced by designer coffee and ice cream and air-conditioned area. It was these places that defined my young adulthood, and half of my pay check on it as well.

By now, I've lost a piece of clothing that defines my adulthood and I've found back my childhood innocence with Yu Yu Ice. Maybe I'm just trying to hard to be adult that I've forgotten all these simple pleasures. I guess I shall continue to find my place in this big big world, but on the other hand, I wouldn't forget my simple pleasures.