Don't look for the silver lining, learn to dance in the rain!

My pretty smart eldest sister said that to me once at the time when I was lost, crying and just feeling hurt. I didn't understand the meaning of that and I was too stubborn and too closed up to even realized what it meant. To me now, I look at this saying and I think that whatever it is, I should learn to adapt and make full use of God's gifts to this world. I should stop looking for something better or what I think is ideal. Instead, I should make use of what's given to me and enjoy the moment.

There was a moment in time where I thought woe is me and I just bring everyone down, including myself. Today when I made the first move to let things go and move on with my life slowly, someone commented that I look different and I look more at peace. Maybe thats what I need to learn, how to let things go and make full use of what's given to me. I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop yearning for what's better. The grass will always be greener on the other pasture, its a matter of how you measure what's important in life.

A long month past....

It's been a long emotional month. What started out as a happy trip to Medan for a short escapade, to break the monotony of everyday life, has turned into one that changed me. I didn't know that I would have so much difficulty, I never knew that I could turn into this scary person and I never knew I could get stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. It's been a very eventful year and one that doesn't have a happy ending for me. We had such great plans to end the year. The only thing we ended up is ending the relationship. I miss him everyday, his snores that keeps me awake in the beginning has turned into a hum that lulls me to sleep at night. Our time together cooking, our chats, our home which we had set up. I'm just so lost and tired, tired of crying myself to sleep at night, tired of pulling myself together in the morning, tired of not sleeping, no more zest for life. I haven't cried so much my whole entire life. I can't seem to understand and my brain just refuse to accept. How did I become like that? How did it all go so badly? Why is it that it is not my turn and my chance at happiness with someone? Why don't i deserve to be happy?