Inspiring?

There are times when I wonder what exactly that inspires me to continue in my job? I was looking back, even when to do things that I used to do just to find back that small little spark. But I've learnt that I won't find it and neither will I miraculously find it. I will have to learn to accept that its lost to me and I have to move forward and progress myself in my journey.

Today, when I went for my usual yoga class, which the instructor had blatantly lied through his teeth by telling me it was an easier class. I met with this lady. I don't know her name but she's a first timer to the class. Well, I can imagine what exactly the pain and frustration that she went through in the first yoga class. She kept telling herself that she's not flexible and she can't do certain poses because of her past injuries. All of us go through some phases of denial to make ourselves feel good or blame it on something else when its unachievable. We don't push ourselves. Complacent has a way of telling us, its ok if we come in second if not first. Heck, I even went through it last time, limiting myself to my comfort zone and not venturing out. I am still guilty of it now although I'll push myself to the limits of my capabilities whenever the situation calls for it. Yes, I've back down before but its always after realizing and understanding the situation and called it a battle lost.

I told the lady that when I first started yoga actively back in May 07, I can't even touch the floor when I do a forward bending. But after months of perseverance and loads of sweat and constant discipline, I can touch the floor with my whole palm now and I can do loads of asanas which I had not known my body to bend in so many different directions. No, I can't twist myself into a pretzel and still smile at you, at the very least, I could be a semi pretzel. It was never easy and discipline played a big role in me reaching my goal. When I told the lady what I went through, I could tell that she has found a kindred spirit who could share her story and yet, able to understand it all. It might not be inspiring as per se but I hoped that it had made her determined to go through it.

Same goes with life, I finally understood that discipline and perseverance is a must in everything that we do. I might have been looking for the wrong inspiration all these while. I realized that everything that we do must come from within. Without your own self pushing your limits, you will always be in your comfort zone and your boundaries, satisfied that the world moves on without you. I know I'm never that person. Yes, I've been comfortable in my comfort zone for the past 5 months. I've made plans and plans and yet more plans to move, yet I'm still sitting on my big fat arse contemplating the plans. I know its my comfort zone but at least I'm trying to move out from it. The discipline and the perseverance to see it through, has not been a stronghold on me. All these, regardless of whatever the outcome of tomorrow's agenda, I've grown to be a stronger person who doesn't fear the truth. I'm ready to move out of this comfort zone of mine and move on to the next phase and shift of life. Whatever it might be and wherever it will bring me to. All I can say with a super clear conscious, I've never regret all that I've done. I shall move forward with a strong heart and clear mind.

Kids First, Marriage Later?

There are times when I thought that there is a certain agenda to life. Baby, kid, kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, college, university, work, boyfriend, marriage, kids, grow old then die. That to me is the agenda of life, a cycle where one goes through in sequence. Nowadays, its normal to hear that this is sequence is jumbled or even missed a stage. I might not be the best person and I'm not being judgmental or casting the first stone. Its just that what has happened to society's moral? I had always thought as Asians, we had a high moral standard, be it with family, life or just outlook. This year, I've heard like 4-5 friends or acquaintances pregnant and having kids before marriage.

I know I'm judging people where all these while I told myself, I shouldn't. But then again, if 2 people are very sure of what their destiny holds, then getting together for the sake of the kid doesn't seem like a bad idea. However, even those who are legally married and followed the sequence, isn't always right. I went to play with my nephew Joshua today. I was down and needed some cheer me up. Selfish as it may seem but Joshua gives me the ability to lose myself in him and playing with him has always made me laugh. There's something different with Joshua recently. He has been good, no longer his naughty self. It seems like he just grew up during CNY period. He is no longer demanding and is always cheerful and happy. After playing with him, as I was about to leave, I noticed that the boy was sad. It doesn't help that I could see all the boy wanted was a playmate and his parents to be home. He wanted to follow me and even brought his shoes out to wear so that he can accompany me. It broke my heart that I had to disappoint him and him with his head hung low, he went back inside to return his shoes to its place.

Maybe there is a sequence of events that are meant to happen. But when it follows the sequence, it might not bring out the best results. I see some of my friends, happy with their kids and enjoying the stability in their life. It makes me wonder, what it actually takes to be a set of good parents and to be happy and at peace with your own self. I guess I have a long way to learn on this matter.

Retrospect

I had lived the whole of last month in retrospect of events of last year. In fact, I'm still feeling it now and experiencing it now. I had always wondered if things were done differently, would the outcome be different now? To me, karma has a way of biting your ass back when it hurts you the most. Would things had been different if precautions were not thrown into the wind and things are not taken with a pinch of salt.

There are times I felt that the way things are moving for me, chances are I can either move up and out or I move somewhere with no hope. I had built a good foundation for myself over the past year but the recent event of making one wrong inch, my whole reputation along with my name, credibility and respect went down into the dumps without a second thought. Now, I understand why credibility and respect must be earned.

When I was feeling down last year, I wanted to reflect on where my earlier enthusiasm, when I first started working with my current company, went. I volunteered to be the newbies' guide so to say. It was surprising when I realized who I was 1.5 years back and with the same wide innocent eyes, looking around as though I have the whole world under my feet and the oysters' for my plucking. It was strange to realized that was what I am through their eyes. After that, someone came to me to tell me don't go looking for that spark of innocence and enthusiasm. You have grown up and things and outlook will change as time goes by. When you go searching for something as abstract as that, chances are you will never find it. That might depress you further. Why don't you look forward and see what happens. Always be brave in looking forward, no point holding on the past. Never have to fear the future for the future is built on the foundation of today.

There were loads of truth in those words. I had went looking for that spark of innocence and that spark of joy I once had when I joined. I realized I didn't find any of it. Instead, I've learnt a little bit more about myself, both good and bad. I've learnt to come to terms with my shortfalls. I've learnt to be proud of my achievements, I've learnt that at all times, never give up and whatever joy I had, had been replaced with a more mature me. Cynical and jaded I may be on this work front. It might not be such a bad thing in view of the self protection I need to armor myself with. Maybe I should just let things develop on its own. It would be something I've yet to learn but I appreciate the friends I had made along the way and the loyalty I've garnered and earned from them.

Love is in the air?

With Valentine's Day around the corner, all the lovey dovey signs and sappy love songs with sentimental tone have been thrown right into our face without any embarrassment and reserves. For those of us who are single, it is the time for us to reminisce about our lack of partners and for those who are in a relationship, its a time to crack your head on what to do, eat, wear and give. Its funny that just because V Day is near, everyone is clamoring to fall in love and act all lovey dovey complete with the doe eyes.

I wonder what is it about days like these? Does it mean we should all have that one day to declare our love to our partners? Why can't it be a day other than V Day? Must we all be similar and do the same things as people all around the world? Shouldn't it be mean something special rather than conforming to the general behavior? I've always wondered about this and also for the fact that I've successfully remained dateless on V Day. In all honesty, I haven't had a Valentine's celebration even while I'm in a relationship. Well, to me, I feel that its a waste of money to be wine and dine on a heart shaped steak and bad sparkling juice. I've never really liked flowers as I wouldn't know what to do with it once it withers and dries up. I've always loved chocolates and only have a liking for dark chocolates, my current love is Dark Chocolate Snickers Bar where it is not even available in Malaysia. Cynical as it may sound, I don't see a point in wasting money for V day where it is like every other day.

Having said all that, I've got a call from a friend who is reeling from the effects of being rejected to go out on Valentine. All I could think of to say in consolation was, good, you can save some money now :) But I was talking to him, I realized my outlook on relationship has changed. Last time, I used to think guys should always make the first move and there should always be a question of "will you be my gf?"

But last night, I've come to realized that if the relationship is meant to be, ie the guy and the girl has a certain feeling for each other, they will work things out and things will naturally fall into place. There isn't a need for a specific question and there isn't a need for a specific to-do list. If both parties are keen, there will always be a way and a mean to work things out. Yes, you might have the what ifs and the where am I feeling but for me that is part and parcel of falling in love and being in a relationship. You can't really know that one person so well that you can read the mind 100%. It will always be a gambling game where you take your chances and hope you bet on the right number. Humans will constantly change and when dealing with human behavior there isn't one sure proof way. Learn to be flexible and learn to go with the flow. You might end up surprising yourself with the results. I am still constantly surprised by the journey that I've taken.

Peace and Quiet Overrated

Its now the 5th day of CNY. The Year of Rat so far has brought me a good sizeable bounty in terms of Ang Pau money :) My house was filled with noisy in the past four days. People coming and going, tv is forever blaring something with loud chinese songs or rather for the 3 sisters at home any english channels. After the 4 days of constant noise and people in and out, when I came back home last night, the house was literally pin drop silence. Somehow, all the warmth and joy of CNY is no longer in the atmosphere. It was very quiet because most of our relatives starting work monday or tuesday, my 2 sisters went back to Singapore. So basically, it felt kinda cold and it was like warmth and joy has been sucked out of my home. It just felt weird after 4-5 days of constantly seeing my sisters and literally with them being in your face, especially at night when my 2nd sister's feet on my head, I missed the warmness of being in family with all its members. There is a certain closeness, a sense of familiarity, that is created by the ties of family bond which can't be replicated elsewhere. I guess I'm just experiencing withdrawal symptoms without my sisters around me. It felt good as the responsibilities were divided 3 ways and it kept my parents occupied as well, instead of just me and my parents seeing me only. :)

Also there was this constant battle to be Joshua's favorite aunt, which I was the holder of it till this CNY. Joshua is my nephew, the cutest little thing that can be created and with a big love for Thomas & Friends. This cartoon is about Thomas the Engine in a railway and his adventures with other engines. Now, this cartoon has almost 60 over characters and that boy knows most of them. Mind you, there all almost the same color and some are identical twins, so go figure how a 2 year old can remember so much. Let me get back to our battle, I started with playing with him and his Thomas set and singing the theme song. My sister upped it to searching for Thomas's pictures on her blackberry so that the boy will be entertained while we are at the restaurant or where ever (talk about mobility and its advantages~!). Then, my other sister decided to push the game to the limits by going online, take pictures of the characters and then recorded the song on her camera. During the dinner, prior to food arriving, Joshua was stuck to my sister, practically attached to her hips, identifying all the characters. So now, I'll have to find something to up her if not, I'll not be able to wrestle back the title. Sigh.. Kids must learn the meaning of loyalty :p

In the end, having always said that I treasure my peace and quiet, in this instance, I find it overrated. Come to think of it, I even missed listening to one of my sisters' snores :p

Welcoming the year of "Mickey Mouse"

Yes, you didn't read wrongly although to be more accurate it is the year of "Rat". However, given the ugly reputation the rats had garnered I believe that it is now more like the year of Mickey Mouse where all things associated with the rats had been given a Disney twist :)

But I guess as we ushers in Mickey Mouse, we have great hopes for the future and let it shine brightly upon us. GONG XI FA CAI

Decisions and Choices

I always believe life is a journey of choices and decisions that we had made along the way. There is no right or wrong in our decisions and in our choices but one must not regret the decisions one had made. If we were to regret the decision, then we would not learn from its mistake and whatever the decision that is made, stick by it. You might be surprised by the end result of this. Also, why bother regret something which you might not have a chance to rectify? There is no way the clock will be reversed for us to rectify the decision and choose the other choice. Progress forward and you might even be surprised by what might crop up along the way.

I had never explained myself to anyone about the choices that had laid in front of me and of the decision I had made. Yes, I did tell those I loved about it but it wasn't to sway my decision or my choice, it was more of informing them for I know whatever it is I had decided, my family will stand by me. Selfish as it may seem, the way I see it, as long as I don't hurt anyone along the way, I'm safe. I'm now in a crossroad for my life. Do I want to uproot myself to another place for another start? Or do I want to stay on and battle on? I'm not sure. There's a lot of things weighing in both direction. Yes, the idea of living in a foreign place sounds liberating but the reasons for me to do it is so varied, I still can't identify the root cause. But it seems to me I'm running away. Running away from everything and to be a runaway, I won't be able to lift my head up high after this. I can't forever runaway and I don't want to leave because I can't handle it. I don't know. However at the end of it, I do know that whatever decision that I make, my parents had given their consent on it and support me. Maybe that's what I need, a push to make the decision.