My resolutions for 2007 so far

Its time for my yearly report card, a time for me to reflect what I had achieved so far. Well, looking back at what I had written back in January I guess I have achieved some, gave up on some and still trying to delude myself that I can do it within the next 2 months.

1. To do well in my company. I would want to be able to at least achieve 100% of my target and more. I think for this, I've already more or less achieved in with 2 more months to go. I'm at least 82% there. With my current workload, I think I can work towards this.

2. To spend more time with family. Take at least 2 saturdays or sundays in a month and bring my parents out. Ahhh... yess... This one, I've improved it to every saturday or sunday I'll bring them out :)

3. To spend more time with friends. I've made an arrangement with my best friend to meet up at least every saturday for drinks and shopping just to catch up. Yes, I've made new friends along the way of this year and I meet up with my friends, different groups of them every week or sometimes after work dinner.

4. To go church. This have been a sore point in my life. I haven't made an attempt to go church since 2005. Its time I take this into my hands and make good of it. This is the one I've given up. 'Nuff said

5. To spend less. I aim to save at least 20% of my monthly salary... hmmm.. i've yet to achieve this. Hmmm... achieving this.. Just need to stop shopping :p

6. To have more work life balance. 'Nuff said about this one. A lot better now...

7. To go gym 3 times weekly. I've known to be so lazy that I can't even make it once a week. Time to be healthy Hah~~!! Finally one overachievement here, ladies and gentlemen.... I'm now currently 4-5 times a week in gym....

8. To do charity work. I've always wanted to do the pay for a child thingy in a 3rd world country. Guess now its time to pay back the society that taught me. Guilty for not doing this.

9. To go on at least 2 dive trips this year. Its high time I visit my dolphins and turtles. This is the one I'm still deluding myself that i can still make it for year end.. Keeping my fingers cross on this one.

So there you have it Pei Jet's pre-report card comments... Looks like I'm there but still not there... But in the end, I'm a happy Pei Jet, satisfied and content with loads of room for improvement :)

Pat Et Stanley

The Super funny duo... though I don't understand what they are saying.. But its dem funny... Enjoy~~~~~!

Different religion?

There was a time when I thought 2 people that are in love can cross all hurdles to reach their happily ever after ending. I might be naive then or simplistic. But isn't all that matters the most in a relationship? Love and trust? I've learnt it is not all true. The person you marry, sleeping next to you every night is not the person you can trust the most. I've known married men who strays and thinks that it is ok. Because sex with different people is different and men are programmed to spread their genes. That very thought grossed me out and it still does. Its scary. In this world we live in where crime rates are climbing and its no longer safe just to walk out from the house. But that is another matter altogether.

There are skeptics out there that wonders about a happily ever after fairy tale ending. I admit I'm one of them now. Someone asked me whether I want to get married for the wedding or the marriage. You know girls always envisioned their own wedding ceremony, dress and the nitty gritty details. But that's the wedding CEREMONY not a marriage. A marriage is hard work. I always wonder did Cinderella really adjust to the palace life or did they divorce or stray (a'la Princess Diana) or did Snow White stay on with the 7 dwarfs? I've wised up. A marriage certificate doesn't mean that things will work out fine. It doesn't mean that when you ink your name on the dotted line and looking into your partner's eyes and say "I do", everything will be hunky dory. But it means that you have to work and had agreed to work to get to your destination. Marriage like any other relationship means hardwork. And this brings me back to my point, where 2 persons of different religion, background and culture, the work is harder and at times seem futile.

I've never thought of it this way. We might be promoting globalization, where we are all global citizens. But then, with recent wave of terrorism, new worries and headaches emerged. What used to be acceptable is frowned upon now and what liberal views we have, has been closed up and people are found guilty by association and found guilty without persecution. When I start going out with Issey, I start seeing things from a different perspective and what people's reactions are. Although its a common sight to see a mat salleh with a Chinese girl, the minute he introduce himself, people will start giving us the looks. Or in this case, me the looks, shock, surprise, horror and disgust are some of the looks I've received. Yes, Issey is a Muslim and he is half Kuwaiti as well, although he looks like a Caucasian. But then, what's the big deal? There are those who thinks that I'm after the money or that dating a Caucasian is a big deal.

For one, dating a Caucasian is not as hyped up as it seems. I know there are some Caucasian jerks out there. The verdict is out there for you to take sides. But I do admit that most of them that I know of are gentlemen and know how to take care of a lady with respect and as a partner, an equal. But that doesn't mean that we Asians don't have that. We do have our fair share or more of gentlemen out there as well. So dating a Caucasian is not all that fantastic.

Secondly, when I first met Issey, I only knew him as an American on business trip to KL. So I don't know about his background and the money is definitely not a factor. Yes, he has the ability to buy me a lot of luxurious items. Give me a choice, I would want him by my side rather than the expensive items.

And finally, the religion. He is a Muslim. So what? I grew up in a multiracial country where half of my childhood friends are Muslims and I do know a bit more about Islam, thanks to my early exposure. The major concern everyone has is because of Lina Joy's case. To the uninitiated, Lina Joy was born a Muslim and converted to Christianity and there was a furor over her case as NRD refused to change her religion status. Furthermore it was brought to court, rejected, appealed and finally, the High Court has maintained the earlier verdict where Lina Joy is not allowed to change her religion status. In hindsight, this caused a backlash and another bigger hooha where Islam is misunderstood once again. I don't know of any "escape clause" in any religion for that matter. But the freedom to practise religion of your choice has been rejected and compromised. Also, over the weekend, I've watched a documentary on CNN by Christiane Amanpour. It was aptly named as "God's Warriors". It was an eye opener for me as it shows that religion is now used as a political tool for others to pursue world domination perhaps. Terrorism, fight against Weapons of Mass Destruction, 9/11 all these were the turning point of the world where religion and faith are being questioned by the faithful.

Islam has been portrayed as a fanatic religion where suicide bombers are used to destroy Americans and other allied countries to make their stand. Whereas the political struggle of Palestine and Israelis uses religion and faith as their means of propaganda. Sometimes it feels as though its a fight between black and white, day and night. But the ironic thing is, all of these religions stemmed from the same core, same story, same beginning. Only thing that has changed is the journey of men where each have their own interpretation and it sprouted their own branch of religion. Furthermore, in an ultimate power struggle, men begin to force things down onto others. In ancient times, human follow the religion that gave them the best benefit and suited for their lifestyle then. And so the struggle continues, with the Holy Grail search, Knights of Templar, Crusaders, Holy War. It all shows power struggle rather than faith. I believe all faith and religions are peace-loving and men that devotes their time to practise their choice of religion and faith should be praised. But for those who are fanatics, be it Christians, Muslims or Jews, it is their own interpretation, men's words against God's words. I know a lot of you out there might disagree with me on this. But think about it, the Bible,the Quran and the Torah are actually men's recollection of God, Christ and His journey. It is really men's word and I believe it is the origin for the phrase "gospel truth".

I am not saying that I am atheist or that I'm a devoted Christian. I believe there is God out there and I believe that He can hear us. I also believe that regardless of religion, one must be God fearing. For it will mean that you will know your boundary for moral conduct and to be a useful human. To me, religion and faith is the core of a guidebook on life. It demonstrates a way of living where humans should model it. It doesn't mean that we should be a suicide bomber to bring a point across. It doesn't mean that we should kill or go to war to possess lands. It doesn't mean by going to places of worship you are good. It doesn't mean that if we don't have sex before marriage, we are holy. It doesn't mean that if we choose our lifestyle of constant partying is wrong. Men are given choices and we all must live and be responsible for the choices we make.

During my time spent with Issey, we came across a John Lennon poster with the lyrics to the song "Imagine". Whatever his agenda may be, but ultimately the song is asking us to imagine where the world is a place to stay in harmoniously, where differences are celebrated and where there is no war and fighting. For now, it sounds like a far fetched dream where the threat of a lone man strategy's to declare a world war 3 is looming above our heads and the world is in chaos.

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Birthday Partayyyy~!!!

Well.. I just turned 25 on the 19th October 2007. It was one hell of a stress filled day~~! The day had started at the stroke of midnight where Issey called me and wished me all the best and hopes that everyday will be a happy and fun filled days for me. That was a pleasant surprise call from Issey. First, I didn't expect him to call me and secondly, not at the stroke of midnight. :) It put a smile on my face before I slept and a spring to my walk when I woke up.

After that, there was a phone call at 7am to wake me up with a birthday song and after that numerous sms-es. :) but the coup d'tat was when my boss called me from Singapore and gave me a lecture on time management and workload. Sigh..... On top of that, I have both my reviews with my local boss and vertical boss, another headache~~!! And a turn of events, one of my deals had some major movements which ended it being registered and I made my numbers. It was one of the hardest win I've had in my short term here. At the end of the day, I didn't know when the win is sealed, my feelings was of relieve or happy. Relieve because the nightmare is finally over as I've been in this account for over a year and happy that it is the biggest win that I had single handedly brought in.

Recollecting back my journey so far in the company, I don't have a major success but I didn't fare all that bad :) I've every right to stand tall and be proud of my achievements thus far and it was made all the sweeter that my biggest single win happened on my birthday. So the day ended high with a beer in my belly (thanks, Jack) and dinner with my family and playing with my darling Joshua (who is super mischievous these days)~~!!

The real party was during the weekend. It started with lunch with 2 pretty gals where we gossip over pork knuckle and cold platter at a German house. If only I could drink an iced cold beer with it, Paulaner would be a good choice. And shopping at flea market, Mango. Bought quite a lot. After that, went to pick up a friend from singapore and went for dinner at Dome's and then it was to Velvet for my birthday party.

I had to pull some strings (thanks KEN~~!!) to get just a table for that night as there was an event there. But then, it was something fun for me as this time, 4 of my closest friends joined me and it was the first time we all went clubbing together~~!!! Attendance of the day was Ken, Jan, Lai Peng, Hai Yen, Sook Yan, Dave, Joe and Gerald. Saw some friends there as well. Above all, we all had a blast with 3 bottles of Johnnie and cocktails of Blowjob and Sex on the Beach. There was a lot of dancing and a lot of drinking, where yes, I was tipsy but not drunk. However, I was vomiting though :p and my friends all made jokes of me making new drinks.

I've got presents as well, one bracelet and a pair of earrings. Nice stuff and I loved them both :) Appreciate that some of my friends had to make a long way to attend my party. So all in, it was a blast of birthday weekend partying and presents. A blasted way to celebrate my quarter century milestones and it was marked with fiery fire at Zouk, my loved ones and my friends. Thanks guys for making it unforgettable and for a fun-filled night~~!!

L-R : Lai Peng, Jan and me before all the booze :)

L-R : Sook Yan, me, Hai Yen, Lai Peng and Jan. Surprisingly I still looked sober

L-R: Hai Yen, Sook Yan, me, Lai Peng (slightly hidden) and Jan. And I'm definitely sober in this~!!

Missing him.....

I miss my guy. Yea, I wish Issey is with me now. I hate the fact that I can't just drive over and meet him. I hate it there is a 5 hours' time difference between us and a 7 hours' flight journey in between us. I hate it that we seem to be missing each other on the phone, on the internet and whenever he is in the region I won't be free or I'll be elsewhere. And when I'm free to go look for him, he would be busy with other matters. Somehow in a long distance relationship, everything can be hunky dory when we are together like we have never been apart. But when we are apart, life goes on just with one small piece in life missing.

I had always thought my arrangement with Issey was simple and suits both our lifestyles. It is really very simple, a sms a day, a phone call a week. It worked fine for me and with webcam I get to see him whenever we can bump into each other.

With recent events, seeing him on the webcam is not enough anymore. I would want him by my side sheltering me from all the external factors. Call me manja which I am, but at times of stress and pressure and heartaches, I would want my guy by my side to protect me, shelter me, encourage me or even just to hug me. Maybe that's why Issey calls me baby. :p

baby, miss you... wish you are here with me always :( i miss meeting you after my meetings at KLCC. I miss watching movie with you, holding hands and walking through the park, the moonlight strolls, the sudden hugs and kisses in the park. I miss your hugs, miss your smiles and miss our time at SkyBar. I miss you singing softly in my ear. The first song was "When I need you"...

I hope that what you had promised me will come true. And we will be together again very soon. In the meantime, I cherish every single bit of our chats, sms, e-mails and phone calls and it will bring a happy smile to my face thinking about it :)

Pain as a stress reliever?

There are a lot of people out there who use pain to mask their emotions. It is such a relief when pain is delivered to a person who is suffering from stress, from pressure, from the urban city lifestyle. I think most will agree that the recent lifestyle of urbanites are mostly self inflicted. We choose to work longer hours, we choose to party harder, we choose to have an alternative luxurious materialistic lifestyle. After that, we spend our whole entire existence justifying our actions and our doings.

That's where pain comes in. It is a form of purification, an act of cleansing. Don't believe me? Some will inflict them to bring to another realm. I wonder if it works. But as for me, I'm using pain as a form of stress reliever. When I'm stressed out, I go for my yoga classes. I push myself to the max, straining my muscle, punishing them and stretching them even more and holding on. To me its a form of release. Because, it means that there is still something tat I can achieve personally although it pisses me that I can't do the same at other things. Albeit the next day's muscle aches and pain. The pleasure I get from pushing myself to the limit is something indescribable. Words just can't seem to express the joy in it. Its the same when I go for my sports. High risk, adrenaline rushing activities get to me. Wall climbing, diving, water sports, it gives me the adrenaline rush that I need to pump through and it is a change from the repetitious work life.

I found another pain that I can endure and it makes me wonder am I sadistic or am I looking for alternative source or is this just a passing phase. I realized that tattoo-ing is a pain that I willingly subject myself to and with the end results that is irreversible for the rest of my life. After I did my first tattoo, it wasn't the nail wrenching, toothaching pain as I had prepared for the worst. But then, it was a form of pain that hurts, and the pyschological bearings it has on you. After that, the healing process of it is another PAIN in the ass. Trust me. There is nothing like a good scratch for an itch but this itch, you can't scratch for the fear of spoiling the tattoo. sigh... but the end results, LOVELY :p After this, I'm already planning for my next tattoo. yes, tattoo-ing is addictive and I want every single tattoo that I'm getting carries a meaning to me as I want it to be a mark, a milestone of my life.

Anticipating my 25th Anniversary

Yea... I'll be 25 in 2 weeks time to the dot. I can't remember a single year where a lot of things happened for me as much as 2007. Major ups and downs. I grew up this year. You know the song from Britney Spears, I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman. It was a song before she had gotten herself knocked up, messed up and divorced and definitely way before her "Look-At-Me, I'm-Not-Wearing-Undies" days. It was one song that had struck a chord in me describing how I had been feeling all these while. I'm definitely not a girl anymore, my womanly curves proved that together with my heavier responsibilities in both personal and work. But I'm not yet a woman as well.

What defines a woman? For me, the ability to be comfortable in their own skin, revel in their sexuality, celebrate her beauty (wrinkles, spot marks, stretch marks and all), confident, satisfied with their work, able to enjoy life to the fullness and most of all just happy being in their own skin. I have had my bouts of insecurity about my body. Hang ups about me in my own skin. It is difficult to explain where in the era of skinny, thin, leggy and tall models, I'm short with curves and hips and a flabby tummy. I can't place myself being seen as beauty or even a babe. I won't deny that I had been anorexic, I don't eat for days or when I do eat, it will be water and maybe 3 bites of food. But I still can't shed the pounds. So I turn to vomiting after food. I can tell you, at that time, there was just such pleasure putting the finger down the throat and vomiting. It feels as though I can enjoy the food literally and minus the calories. If you ask me, there is also the period where I diet like crazy, low calories diet, 1000 calories diet, high protein low carb diet, south beach diet, blood group diet, I've really tried them all. I remember an incident where I was dieting, practically starving myself to death, and vomiting after each morsel of food as soon as I had tasted it. I never felt so low about myself as I was at that time. And I had never felt so ugly. I didn't lose the weight for sure instead I packed on MORE~~!!! God must be playing a joke on me at that time. I wasn't fat but trust me, the last few extra pounds to lose was horrible. My best friend had kept telling me that I'm good looking but I didn't believe her instead gave her a dubious look.

But at the start of this year, something in me had sparked, imagine a light bulb lit up. That's what had happened to me. I woke up from all the delusions. A 1.5 years of relationship ended this year. I had placed more importance in my work. I made an effort to be close with my parents, spend more time with them. I had also made an effort to call up old friends just to chat, to catch up. I've lost a lot of friends as I was making a transition period from university to work. It took me 2 years to find my footing. I had started a regimen of gym and healthy diet. I've lost and shed pounds I had packed on. I went down 2 dress sizes, I'm healthier nowadays. I go for yoga, long runs on the treadmill and now hoping to add weight training to my regimen. I had also learnt to take a step back from work. Not pushing myself to the limits and not to take things personal if there were problems. I have people who loves me. I have met new people, fresh faces to make my life more interesting. It makes me realized that I can't always be self centered. It can't be just about Pei Jet the whole entire damn time.

In a way, I've grown up. I face my responsibilities head on. I don't shirk away from it as I had used to. I don't runaway anymore from the things I'm supposed to do. I'm still headstrong, I'm still a smart aleck at times, I'm still very stubborn and independent. But I've learnt to let go, to smile more often, to be more pleasant to people, to be more patient, to use a little bit more tact in life. I'm slowly freeing myself from my self-imposed prison. I learnt also that I can't take shit and nonsense from any guys and I deserve love and respect from them. In other words, I've grown up a little bit more this year. I'm not a woman yet but I'm paving the way there. And I hope that when I reach that destination, there will be other surprises there waiting for me.

To mark my 25th anniversary God has given me a life, I've gotten a tattoo on my right lower back. Its a picture of a butterfly flying. Its to remind me, beauty is really a short lived passing moment and all that remains will be the process to get there and enjoying very single moment of this life God has granted me. I might have make mistakes along the way. But heck, I've learnt by those mistakes and it forms part of the foundation of the road and way to an adulthood, womanhood. I'm waiting in anticipation of the next milestone in my life. I don't know what it is and what it will be, but happy or sad, good or bad, I'll face it head on and live through it and reminisce on it as I grow older. I'm sure it will bring a soft smile to my face the same way as I recall my teenage stupidity and my childhood inhibitions.

"So to myself, I wish a Happy 25th Birthday and I hope you guys out there will celebrate it with me and welcome the day with fireworks and fanfare as it marked a milestone of ME inching towards adulthood and womanhood and life."