Crazy or Scorned?

I know of this lady who is going to turn 70 soon. She had issues of trust with people. She had never trusted anyone fully including her own kids. She had married in her early thirties and had an oppressive mother-in-law. She had served her MIL her whole life and then, her husband had cancer. She, once again became the primary caregiver for her hubby. After being the primary caregiver and giving all those around her problems with her drama and her persistence, she learns how to be with herself. After so many years of taking care of others, for once, she begins to be alone and truly not enjoying it. I reckon she got lost on knowing what to do. She starts imagining things that had happened, replacing the reality with figments of her imagination. She tries to be normal, she tries to lead a normal life. But slowly, her life has just been figments of her imagination, so much so that she thought up of excuses for herself, victimized herself whilst blaming everyone else. She misplaced her keys, couldn't find her stuff and blame it on others. Living with her was a living hell.

But if one looks back to her story, she wasn't like that when she was growing up. She was a happy go lucky girl that was always cheerful. I still can see glimpse of that girl, beneath all that unhappiness she projects. She had thought she fell in love with the one guy that she had known since young, her cousin brother. She had not thought that he would break her heart. From what I could gather in between the lines, she had stayed with the man, given her all for that 7 years of being together. What happened at the end was just a recollection. They had saved up their money in joint accounts and with hopes of getting married. Apparently, the guy had took all their savings and went off with another woman. It sounds like something out of the movie where a girl gets cheated by another man. But this story doesn't have a Hollywood ending. The girl ended up heart broken, she couldn't trust anyone. She became depressed and she couldn't live her life for a long while. In the end, she chose to marry another man just to escape from it all.

Then, when things become unbearable during her marriage, she lived in a coulda, woulda, shoulda world. The horrible world of what ifs. It was a vicious cycle that had kept her depressed and clinical depression that is left unchecked will have horrible repercussions.

I'm not sure to put this woman down as sick in literally sense or someone that has just been scorned. I had always thought of those people who couldn't live through a heartbreak as someone who is weak and just couldn't get a hold of themselves. Now, I'm starting to think that there are people who just can't pull themselves together and piece themselves up after a life changing situation. Sad part is, she had put all her hopes to this one guy that had hurt her the most. Sadder part, she had delved too deep into her own sadness that she couldn't climb out. Saddest part, she had spent the rest of her life after in a haze and no way in hell would the fog clear.

On the other hand, coming out from a broken relationship and knowing full well that you had wanted to die, crash your car and just stop living, I can really empathize with her. Maybe times are changing, women now have a lot more choices and a lot more freedom to do things as you will, instead of depending on a man to provide. Women nowadays have the option to walk out from a relationship and be independent, and it is not wrong to stand for your own right.

I wished she had lived in a different time and she would have the courage to move on and not let the whole experience overshadow her and stop her from living a life that's worthwhile.

What would you do if you were in my shoes

Growing up in as the youngest of three girls should be smooth sailing. We all grew up to be very independent adults. But you can't shake the old doubts that were nagging at the back of your head. I remember when I was younger, my dad always joked that the eldest is the prettiest, the second being the smartest and the third is the good for nothing daughter. Joke or not, it had left a large imprint on you. Yes, I grew up independently, shouldering a lot of things in the family. More so, from the point that I wanted to prove to my dad that he was wrong. All these while, I had thought that things I did was for the best of all of us. But apparently, it has suppressed me and made me miserable. I wasn't the nicest person to live with. In fact, when I go into a committed relationship, I realized I became unbearable. I was scared to let things go, I over analyze things and I was just not myself anymore. I had viewed my relationship as a means to escape from my family. But I had made it infinitely worse, when all those doubts came surfacing out. It wasn't true but I had used it to mar my relationships.

So I began a series of self destructive activities, just to prove my point that I'm not worthy of anyone and anything. I had been an overbearing, jealous girlfriend, tracking every single move, every single gesture. Then, I'll reach a point where I break, where I reasoned to myself that I get too tired to continue like this. Then I start contemplating break up but I'll make it so uncomfortable that you will automatically suggest that. Then, the start of the long drawn out breakup sequence. Not sure if you guys find it familiar, but I reckon the last 3 of relationships went through the same pattern.

So now, I took one and a half years away from guys. Let's admit it, it is damn easy to hook up with anyone if you really want to. I had never complained about the lack of guys, lack of good looking ones, maybe. But lack of guys, hell no. I had never been without a guy for more than 2 months in the past one decade. So, it was liberating. I had learnt the joy of enjoying my alone time. I enjoyed seeing the world on my own. I went back to planning things for myself and only myself. I know my parents wanted to come along and be included, but i just wanted the time on my own and its good to be selfish.

I had suddenly become a lot happier and more at ease with myself. Then, I actually got a few cute guys' attention. But it was all in good fun. I had thought 1.5 years is enough of a time to see things retrospectively and think things through. What I didn't know was that, even now, after all these time, when I'm about to embark on another relationship, everything comes to the surface again. In fact, this time, I don't even need to wait till we are in a relationship to be destructive. I was destructive from the start. I had never went out to seek a relationship or even dare I say, love. But this one found me, and yet, I'm not happy and confident about myself for it. I can feel all the old doubts coming back out no matter how much I try to suppress it.

It feels as though, I dare not allow myself to be happy with the knowledge, someone actually wants to love me for who I am, warts and all. I still feel that I have issues to work out and I need to be able to fully love myself before I can love someone else. Before I can fully open my heart to someone else. Would you turn down the guy that you had really like and say that the only reason he likes you is because you irritate him. Would you turn that guy away and sort out yourself first?

What would you do?