What would you do if you were in my shoes

Growing up in as the youngest of three girls should be smooth sailing. We all grew up to be very independent adults. But you can't shake the old doubts that were nagging at the back of your head. I remember when I was younger, my dad always joked that the eldest is the prettiest, the second being the smartest and the third is the good for nothing daughter. Joke or not, it had left a large imprint on you. Yes, I grew up independently, shouldering a lot of things in the family. More so, from the point that I wanted to prove to my dad that he was wrong. All these while, I had thought that things I did was for the best of all of us. But apparently, it has suppressed me and made me miserable. I wasn't the nicest person to live with. In fact, when I go into a committed relationship, I realized I became unbearable. I was scared to let things go, I over analyze things and I was just not myself anymore. I had viewed my relationship as a means to escape from my family. But I had made it infinitely worse, when all those doubts came surfacing out. It wasn't true but I had used it to mar my relationships.

So I began a series of self destructive activities, just to prove my point that I'm not worthy of anyone and anything. I had been an overbearing, jealous girlfriend, tracking every single move, every single gesture. Then, I'll reach a point where I break, where I reasoned to myself that I get too tired to continue like this. Then I start contemplating break up but I'll make it so uncomfortable that you will automatically suggest that. Then, the start of the long drawn out breakup sequence. Not sure if you guys find it familiar, but I reckon the last 3 of relationships went through the same pattern.

So now, I took one and a half years away from guys. Let's admit it, it is damn easy to hook up with anyone if you really want to. I had never complained about the lack of guys, lack of good looking ones, maybe. But lack of guys, hell no. I had never been without a guy for more than 2 months in the past one decade. So, it was liberating. I had learnt the joy of enjoying my alone time. I enjoyed seeing the world on my own. I went back to planning things for myself and only myself. I know my parents wanted to come along and be included, but i just wanted the time on my own and its good to be selfish.

I had suddenly become a lot happier and more at ease with myself. Then, I actually got a few cute guys' attention. But it was all in good fun. I had thought 1.5 years is enough of a time to see things retrospectively and think things through. What I didn't know was that, even now, after all these time, when I'm about to embark on another relationship, everything comes to the surface again. In fact, this time, I don't even need to wait till we are in a relationship to be destructive. I was destructive from the start. I had never went out to seek a relationship or even dare I say, love. But this one found me, and yet, I'm not happy and confident about myself for it. I can feel all the old doubts coming back out no matter how much I try to suppress it.

It feels as though, I dare not allow myself to be happy with the knowledge, someone actually wants to love me for who I am, warts and all. I still feel that I have issues to work out and I need to be able to fully love myself before I can love someone else. Before I can fully open my heart to someone else. Would you turn down the guy that you had really like and say that the only reason he likes you is because you irritate him. Would you turn that guy away and sort out yourself first?

What would you do?