Yea... I'll be 25 in 2 weeks time to the dot. I can't remember a single year where a lot of things happened for me as much as 2007. Major ups and downs. I grew up this year. You know the song from Britney Spears, I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman. It was a song before she had gotten herself knocked up, messed up and divorced and definitely way before her "Look-At-Me, I'm-Not-Wearing-Undies" days. It was one song that had struck a chord in me describing how I had been feeling all these while. I'm definitely not a girl anymore, my womanly curves proved that together with my heavier responsibilities in both personal and work. But I'm not yet a woman as well.
What defines a woman? For me, the ability to be comfortable in their own skin, revel in their sexuality, celebrate her beauty (wrinkles, spot marks, stretch marks and all), confident, satisfied with their work, able to enjoy life to the fullness and most of all just happy being in their own skin. I have had my bouts of insecurity about my body. Hang ups about me in my own skin. It is difficult to explain where in the era of skinny, thin, leggy and tall models, I'm short with curves and hips and a flabby tummy. I can't place myself being seen as beauty or even a babe. I won't deny that I had been anorexic, I don't eat for days or when I do eat, it will be water and maybe 3 bites of food. But I still can't shed the pounds. So I turn to vomiting after food. I can tell you, at that time, there was just such pleasure putting the finger down the throat and vomiting. It feels as though I can enjoy the food literally and minus the calories. If you ask me, there is also the period where I diet like crazy, low calories diet, 1000 calories diet, high protein low carb diet, south beach diet, blood group diet, I've really tried them all. I remember an incident where I was dieting, practically starving myself to death, and vomiting after each morsel of food as soon as I had tasted it. I never felt so low about myself as I was at that time. And I had never felt so ugly. I didn't lose the weight for sure instead I packed on MORE~~!!! God must be playing a joke on me at that time. I wasn't fat but trust me, the last few extra pounds to lose was horrible. My best friend had kept telling me that I'm good looking but I didn't believe her instead gave her a dubious look.
But at the start of this year, something in me had sparked, imagine a light bulb lit up. That's what had happened to me. I woke up from all the delusions. A 1.5 years of relationship ended this year. I had placed more importance in my work. I made an effort to be close with my parents, spend more time with them. I had also made an effort to call up old friends just to chat, to catch up. I've lost a lot of friends as I was making a transition period from university to work. It took me 2 years to find my footing. I had started a regimen of gym and healthy diet. I've lost and shed pounds I had packed on. I went down 2 dress sizes, I'm healthier nowadays. I go for yoga, long runs on the treadmill and now hoping to add weight training to my regimen. I had also learnt to take a step back from work. Not pushing myself to the limits and not to take things personal if there were problems. I have people who loves me. I have met new people, fresh faces to make my life more interesting. It makes me realized that I can't always be self centered. It can't be just about Pei Jet the whole entire damn time.
In a way, I've grown up. I face my responsibilities head on. I don't shirk away from it as I had used to. I don't runaway anymore from the things I'm supposed to do. I'm still headstrong, I'm still a smart aleck at times, I'm still very stubborn and independent. But I've learnt to let go, to smile more often, to be more pleasant to people, to be more patient, to use a little bit more tact in life. I'm slowly freeing myself from my self-imposed prison. I learnt also that I can't take shit and nonsense from any guys and I deserve love and respect from them. In other words, I've grown up a little bit more this year. I'm not a woman yet but I'm paving the way there. And I hope that when I reach that destination, there will be other surprises there waiting for me.
To mark my 25th anniversary God has given me a life, I've gotten a tattoo on my right lower back. Its a picture of a butterfly flying. Its to remind me, beauty is really a short lived passing moment and all that remains will be the process to get there and enjoying very single moment of this life God has granted me. I might have make mistakes along the way. But heck, I've learnt by those mistakes and it forms part of the foundation of the road and way to an adulthood, womanhood. I'm waiting in anticipation of the next milestone in my life. I don't know what it is and what it will be, but happy or sad, good or bad, I'll face it head on and live through it and reminisce on it as I grow older. I'm sure it will bring a soft smile to my face the same way as I recall my teenage stupidity and my childhood inhibitions.
What defines a woman? For me, the ability to be comfortable in their own skin, revel in their sexuality, celebrate her beauty (wrinkles, spot marks, stretch marks and all), confident, satisfied with their work, able to enjoy life to the fullness and most of all just happy being in their own skin. I have had my bouts of insecurity about my body. Hang ups about me in my own skin. It is difficult to explain where in the era of skinny, thin, leggy and tall models, I'm short with curves and hips and a flabby tummy. I can't place myself being seen as beauty or even a babe. I won't deny that I had been anorexic, I don't eat for days or when I do eat, it will be water and maybe 3 bites of food. But I still can't shed the pounds. So I turn to vomiting after food. I can tell you, at that time, there was just such pleasure putting the finger down the throat and vomiting. It feels as though I can enjoy the food literally and minus the calories. If you ask me, there is also the period where I diet like crazy, low calories diet, 1000 calories diet, high protein low carb diet, south beach diet, blood group diet, I've really tried them all. I remember an incident where I was dieting, practically starving myself to death, and vomiting after each morsel of food as soon as I had tasted it. I never felt so low about myself as I was at that time. And I had never felt so ugly. I didn't lose the weight for sure instead I packed on MORE~~!!! God must be playing a joke on me at that time. I wasn't fat but trust me, the last few extra pounds to lose was horrible. My best friend had kept telling me that I'm good looking but I didn't believe her instead gave her a dubious look.
But at the start of this year, something in me had sparked, imagine a light bulb lit up. That's what had happened to me. I woke up from all the delusions. A 1.5 years of relationship ended this year. I had placed more importance in my work. I made an effort to be close with my parents, spend more time with them. I had also made an effort to call up old friends just to chat, to catch up. I've lost a lot of friends as I was making a transition period from university to work. It took me 2 years to find my footing. I had started a regimen of gym and healthy diet. I've lost and shed pounds I had packed on. I went down 2 dress sizes, I'm healthier nowadays. I go for yoga, long runs on the treadmill and now hoping to add weight training to my regimen. I had also learnt to take a step back from work. Not pushing myself to the limits and not to take things personal if there were problems. I have people who loves me. I have met new people, fresh faces to make my life more interesting. It makes me realized that I can't always be self centered. It can't be just about Pei Jet the whole entire damn time.
In a way, I've grown up. I face my responsibilities head on. I don't shirk away from it as I had used to. I don't runaway anymore from the things I'm supposed to do. I'm still headstrong, I'm still a smart aleck at times, I'm still very stubborn and independent. But I've learnt to let go, to smile more often, to be more pleasant to people, to be more patient, to use a little bit more tact in life. I'm slowly freeing myself from my self-imposed prison. I learnt also that I can't take shit and nonsense from any guys and I deserve love and respect from them. In other words, I've grown up a little bit more this year. I'm not a woman yet but I'm paving the way there. And I hope that when I reach that destination, there will be other surprises there waiting for me.
To mark my 25th anniversary God has given me a life, I've gotten a tattoo on my right lower back. Its a picture of a butterfly flying. Its to remind me, beauty is really a short lived passing moment and all that remains will be the process to get there and enjoying very single moment of this life God has granted me. I might have make mistakes along the way. But heck, I've learnt by those mistakes and it forms part of the foundation of the road and way to an adulthood, womanhood. I'm waiting in anticipation of the next milestone in my life. I don't know what it is and what it will be, but happy or sad, good or bad, I'll face it head on and live through it and reminisce on it as I grow older. I'm sure it will bring a soft smile to my face the same way as I recall my teenage stupidity and my childhood inhibitions.
"So to myself, I wish a Happy 25th Birthday and I hope you guys out there will celebrate it with me and welcome the day with fireworks and fanfare as it marked a milestone of ME inching towards adulthood and womanhood and life."
2 comments:
oh my god. my EYES!!! Help!! I'm blind!!!
hahahaha...nice touch on the butterfly thing. But i think a dolphin tatoo would be more appropriate for u. Well there is always the left side, rite?
OMG!!~~~ Nice!! I want to see it in real!!!
Fireworks and stuff on your birthday? hmm... we'll see... a bit hard lah Jet.. can we make do with just 25 candles? :p hehehe.....
Post a Comment