Defeated

This time, I'm defeated. They tell me that it should come naturally for relationship. Go with the flow, enjoy the ride, enjoy the sceneries, you might be surprise what comes out of it. We went down that path. Everything happened very fast. It was so fast and yet it was so natural. Things just developed. We became very comfortable with each other. We became instant friends. Yet, certain things was hard, certain things was evasive, certain things were ignored. When I start searching answers for it, I was told that I'm forcing an issue out of it. We were friends first and foremost, but we ended up not being friends anymore. We ended up arguing over everything. I became the catalyst for all things, I became emotionally charged. I became very taxing. I started crying, I became this irrational person who just wanted something solved, answers to things that I wanted to know, confirmation of situation. Yet, I became insensitive. So, I changed. I ignored those things, though it was killing me. I make myself think lighter of the situation at hand. I just decided to go with the flow. If I'm unhappy about it, I keep quiet. I just want it all to go back to when we were friends. So I smiled, I joked, I became chatty, I try to inquire more about the life, the work. I didn't know how to carry on a one sided conversation anymore. Then, I became self centered. I chose topics which I thought was safe, so I chose to talk about me. I joke, I poked fun at myself, tell you about my problems, hoping and making you a part of my life. Then it turned out I'm being high maintenance, high emotional maintenance. I become very taxing. After I'm told all these, I'm supposed to forget it, delete those comments and throw them into recycle bin. But do you know that, in the recycle bin, there is still ways and means to retrieve those information? Then, I was told to leave it alone, give it a rest. Then I'm irritating. What am I to do now? There are so many things I don't understand, so many things I'm trying to comprehend. So I leave you alone because there really is nothing else I could do. It hurts as I felt I lost a best friend. A person that I can talk to, a person that understands me, joke with me. In this few months, you really had given me a reason to smile, to laugh, to joke and yet, there's also the tears but you had been the reason for all the smiles and my happiness. I've come to include you as part of my life, part of my support system. Its really an emotional roller coaster ride. The ups are really happy and the downs really brought me to a stop. I really miss a lot of things that you had done before, it became a part of my daily life. The phone calls during lunch, the weekends spent chatting, the time u call me after your work, the early morning sms-es and wake up calls. I realized after awhile, you stopped doing all those things. You said you had lost the feelings you had for me, the joys in talking to me, the smile I had brought to you. You had said love is just a state of mind, somehow I felt that you were patronizing and belittling me. I know you have more things in mind, more important things. I never wanted to be the first. I just wanted to know if I featured in your life at all. I never wanted to take over anything or anyone. In the end, I just felt I'm irritating you, disturbing you. You said we are friends, yet you never ignored me like you never had, unanswered sms, unanswered calls. You no longer have a reason to talk to me for you have lost those feelings besides the disturbance and irritation? I miss you calling me dear, calling me baby. You said we are friends, yet when you are near me, you said friends don't do all these. I'm lost, frightened,confused. You said we moved too fast, things happen too fast, so I took a backseat. I decided not to bombard you, yet I became dangerous. Whatever I do, its just that I became something negative. I'm not perfect. I'm trying hard to understand things, trying hard to grasp matter at hand. I never wanted anything more. I never did, yet the only thing I've asked of you, I became a control freak. You became angry and I didn't know what triggered it. I was crying because I knew in my heart, I've to let you go. But at the slightest hint from you, I would be this happy girl running to you, to be by your side. I've always felt safe and warm in your arms. A lot of things I enjoy, I enjoy doing them with you and with you by my side.