Age, time and life..

Someone asked me last week, "How does it feel to be 25 years old?" It was asked in jest, in interest or just plain curiousity, I don't know. But then, I don't feel like I'm 25, I feel as though I'm way older than 25. I have felt tired and restless the whole entire week. So in a way to make myself feel better, I do what any sane girl my age would do, I checked my horoscope for the day. This is what it says....

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

The Bottom Line

Toss out something today -- a relationship, grudge or assumption. You'll feel good.

In Detail

Every time you get rid of an old idea, assumption or unwanted item, you make room for a new influx of energy and growth. Today, you could use a big dose of freshness, so see what you can do to empty a few closets (emotional and bedroom alike). Whether you toss out a relationship, a grudge or an old sweater, you'll immediately feel a sense of freedom and relief. You've been released from hanging onto what you thought you needed. The truth is you already have everything you need.

Now I wonder, is there any emotional baggage or unwanted items that I have been carrying with me all these while. Looking at it, I woke up tired, restless, insomnia laden and lack of sleep. Was up the whole night not be able to sleep, restless and my whole body aching :( the whole body aching was my own doing, I just went overboard in yoga last night. Pushed myself to hold all the asanas and pushed myself to go lower, press harder, hold longer. Till even my yoga instructor, Kunal, noticed. He even asked me to go slow just so that I don't get my muscles tight again which is a frequent occurence nowadays. Even when I do sun salutations, I do a full chaturanga which is a full push up and holding it there. I was frustrated at work, angry at what bitches of work I get and unfair that certain people who seem to be working so hard is totally lost on the bosses where as the leeches stay on. Is it fair? Does this mean it will be my turn soon? To work so hard and lose it all with just one manager's decision? There are loads of things on my mind that worries me. One is I don't know what I would get next year. I've been thinking of changing roles, been thinking of expanding my portfolio, been thinking of working outside of KL, been thinking of traveling, quitting and also been thinking of just getting married to any guy that comes along my way. I somehow wish life comes with a guidebook, a book of rules, a set of planners that is tailored to individual needs. We all have our guidebooks, the Bible comes to mind. But then, to me I'm looking for something that tells me the black from the white and not that grey area is still ok.

Looking at the list of things my horoscope had spelt out to throw. The first is relationship. I have had 2 serious relationship so far. Both had ended by now. If you ask me if I regret those relationships, I don't. If I have any hung ups about it, I don't either. I took each relationship at that time very seriously and was whole heartedly into it. Now, I have guys around me. Issey is one of them or rather for now a major one. But he is not here and I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks. Does this mean its lost? Or does it mean that I have to give him time to find his way back to me? There's also another guy who I can feel myself falling for him. If you ask me if its love, I don't know. But the feelings are there, the chemistry is there. But he has more emotional baggage than me. And frankly, I don't know whether am I courageous enough to go through it knowing that I won't be the most important person in his life? Not now and definitely not in the future. He has his own problems and when I need attention, I need it badly. I know he likes me, but then he can't focus on me and he can't give me his full attention. Is feelings and chemistry enough? Is it enough for a relationship to bloom, to be nurtured? I understand that after all the initial feelings die, there has to be something substantial to continue making the relationship work.

But this is coming from a girl whose longest relationship is 3 years and it was on off for 2 years. So ultimately, the longest relationship I ever had was 1.5 years. I have never imagined myself and never could think that I can be in a relationship. I don't know if I'm meant to have an everlasting one. To be able to find a soulmate and stay together till death do us part. That is just plain scary. Imagine, day in and day out, you wake up and sleep next to the same guy. Would you know what they are thinking about? Would you be able to anticipate their next move? Would you be able to tell that he is trustworthy?

I'm scared at the end of the day. Scared of taking a gamble with my heart and feelings because the irreversible damage that it can cause will just make me more jaded and cynical than I already am. It will not be fair to the next guy. In all relationships that I have, I make no comparisons. Neither would I want to because it is not fair. Why? Because each guy is different, each guy has their own pros and cons, each guy is unique with their own quirks. I'm never the kind that will draw up a list of pro and con of the guy to decide if I should be in the relationship. I just evaluate and take the plunge. And mind you, the plunge I'm taking would just be a small step in front of me, its not the free falling kind. But then I also believe, if I don't gamble big my returns would not be big as well. Yes, I'm contradicting myself now. Maybe that's why I have never had an ever lasting relationship because I'm not willing to take the risks.

Ultimately, I like how my horoscope ended. It said that I can let go of things as I already have everything I needed. And that is true. I have a family, a group of besties, stable job and income, satisfied with what I have now except for my monthly bank balance. Even if there is no guy in my life now, I'm ok and I'm satisfied and proud of what I've achieved so far. Maybe, I should just clean out my closet. Get rid of some old clothes so that I have room for my recent purchases :p