To err is human, to forgive is divine

I've come to the realization that i have made a mistake, a huge mistake. That in the end its going to cost me more than anything I can give, and more than anything I would ever do to make up for it. Someone told me once to my face, I'm self centred and I have a big ego. But somehow self confidence is lacking when it comes to physical appearance. Contradicting? Yup, that's me.

The mistake I've made, well, maybe its because I'm skeptical of how much truth a person can tell. I'm skeptical of relationships and I'm too skeptical to give that person the benefit of doubt. Till that person told me needed time to chill out. That's when my mental being goes into overdrive. All the suspecting and suspicious thoughts just went through my mind. All sense of reasoning, rational and what not just flew out of the window. Benefit of the doubt wasn't even in the picture. Trust me. I needed time to think and ponder. Instead I became this selfish, irrational, unreasonable person. Calling, sms-ing just to demand an explanation. When it was all ignored, I was doing it with a renewed zealous. Till I scared myself and I scared the other person. I wonder what had overcame me all of a sudden? I was never unreasonable. I might not be a cool headed person but I was never out of control. I wasn't cool, calm. I had no sense of bearing of what had occurred and what are the impacts of my doings. I was really out of control of myself and emotions.

I knew with my actions last night, I would have most likely lost a friend. A close one where it has been so comfortable just talking with. I still remember the first time we went out. We were just sitting there at Starbucks chatting and laughing away. It was fun because it has been so long since I had a witty companion to chat with. Before we met up, I remember saying it would be fun to chat with because I would finally have a sparring partner. Gloves not needed :p I'll always remember Central Fire Station and 7 Eleven. The Haagen Dazs Almond ice cream, dark chocolate Snickers, Dark Bitter Men Pocky and BBQ flavored Lays. Whatever you may say, Lays is always best BBQ flavored :)

If you ask me, I've messed things up big time. My ego had gotten into the way of things. I wasn't truthful or upfront about certain things or rather a lot of things. I didn't want to say that my days are more bearable since this person entered my life. I didn't want to say that I'm smiling more often and thinking about that person makes me smile. Everyday when I open my eyes wide, I check my phone for any sms or calls, and every night before I go to sleep, I wait in anticipation of a good night sms. Whenever I logged on to the net, first thing I do is to check my MSN contact list. Hoping that this person will be online and free to chat. I'm smiling and laughing a lot more nowadays. I dare not say it but then it was me reciprocating the feelings. Just that I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to make it more obvious when I assumed it was obvious to that person. It was an assumption and those assumptions has already got us to quarrel more often nowadays.

I guess yesterday was the last straw for the both of us. I wasn't fair to the both of us. I wasn't fair to that person at all. I definitely did not handle it well at all. I really hope to be given a chance to remedy my mistake. But I'm scared, afraid of what will happen next. Afraid that it is the end of something that had never been given time and the chance to begin, a beginning that I was afraid to explore. I know there are a lot of things to be said and done and there are a lot more to consider or to weigh the decisions. I just hope that I'm given a chance to talk and to understand that person more and maybe just to smile at him, 'coz I remember he mentioned once as long as I smile and be happy, he'll be happy. Sorry my dear for my actions and my words.