McDull at the clinic

One of my favorite Hong Kong cartoon. Super funny to those who understand Cantonese

Afraid of Hurt

Aren't we all afraid of getting hurt? Something struck within me, when someone thought that they are afraid of hurting me. In all relationships, there is bound to be someone getting hurt. I might have hurt you today but tomorrow you might hurt me back. There is nothing in this world we can prevent it from happening. It is just like a parent wanting to keep their child safe. They will do anything within their means to ensure that. But to me, that's bad parenting. If a child doesn't understand the meaning of hurt and pain, the child will not grow up strong and will not be able to stand the test of time. I've said before I'm a firm believer of making mistakes and learning from it. If a person doesn't fall, that person will never learn the real meaning of living. Because in life, there will also be ups and downs and more so when we are talking about human interaction. There will be room for hurt, joy, sorrows and laughter. There is a Cantonese saying that goes, all relationships will have a mixture of sweet, sour, bitter and spicy. If you think about it, it is true. A relationship will be a bore if there isn't any tender moments, argument, love, tears and a whole lot more of ingredients.

However, that particular comment caught me off guard because what makes that person so sure, I'll end up being hurt? But also, it brought me back memories of a certain guy in my life whose comment was, "You are so strong and if we were to break up, I know, you'll be able to pick up the pieces and move on" I guess that remark should have sent warning bells up my head. I just realized in that relationship, there already was an end in mind and it is definitely not happily ever after. So now, someone made that comment. I wonder if it ever happen, will I be able to pick up the pieces again and move on? Then, if that's the case, I'm going into this relationship with an end in mind and this time it is also not a happily ever after. Is it really that elusive? Am I just young and naive to think that when we start a relationship, things are hunky dory and it won't matter what the problem is because we will solve it together? Thoughts to ponder on when I'm more sane to understand this.

Of Weddings and Riots....

It has been a weekend of sorts once again. With Sook Yan's dinner on Saturday, clubbing with friends after that and colleague's wedding dinner on Sunday and also the riots on Sunday morning. It was definitely an eventful weekend. Pictures from Sook Yan's do.

My weekend started with a massage. A super relaxing one that the masseur knotted and kneaded all my tight and tense muscles. It was a painful experience~~!! My muscles especially my back and shoulder muscles as been at odds' ends. Add on with my yoga classes they have not been properly conditioned to the stress and the strenuous activities, i guess. My body felt loads better after the massage. It made me relax. After that, went to pick a friend up before getting ready for the dinner. Wore a low back black dress. My own LBD add on with gold earrings.

Sook Yan was beautiful in her maroon wedding dress and a cheongsam later on. I was so envious of her small waist and voluptuous body :) (oh well, time to hit the gym hard). The wedding dinner was fun as at our table was Jan Nie, Geena, Lai Peng, Chun Mun, Hai Yen, Emily, Wei Kang and Ken. We had fun time gossiping about others and catching up on the latest news of other people. A reunion of sorts for us ;p Some were saying we gather here just to gossip :p Also, during the toasting, I believe our table was the loudest for the "Yam Seng". Others that beg to defer, its ok, it will be rejected by us anyway ;)

We stayed on for a bit more before going home. Took pictures with the bride and groom before going back. We had accompanied Hai Yen, walking 4 floors up and down in search of her car. Things I'll forever remember Hai Yen for ;p (thanks babe for the workout after the heavy meal~~!!) After that, went back to change into something more comfortable, my ever trusty jeans and headed off to Velvet for the remainder of the night. Had my first taste of Macallan 12 years and Moet & Chandon. It was nice and I loved their taste, smooth and easy on the throat. Somehow Black Label didn't taste that fantastic after that. Partied with another bunch of people that night but saw some friends there as well. This time, one of them pulled me up the podium to dance but I was laughing nonstop at his antics rather than dancing. In the end, left at 2.30am and WALKed all the way to a mamak with the best curry fish head (or so they claim~!) But the roti canai and dhal was worth the trip there. It was one of the best dhal I've ever tasted.

The next day, I woke up to a large crowd outside gathering and protesting. It was super eventful as I sat there watching the large crowd running up and down, chanting and then see them washing their faces, hands and drinking from the water flowing in front of Maya. With the helicopters flying above our head, police issuing warnings asking the crowd to disperse. I can understand why the tear gas and water cannons were used. It was ridiculous. Just thought that there are better ways to demonstrate. What we all perceive as right and justice will be seen differently from those sitting on the other side of the fence. I am not saying I'm not sympathizing with the plights of minorities in Malaysia. Heck, I'm also a minority here but the fact is by demonstrating, protesting and disorderly conduct, EVERYONE is at the losing end. What good does it bring to demonstrate a rally on the basis that you want to submit a petition to the British High Commission when they are not there to receive it? What good does it bring to tear down the temple's gates, throwing stones, provoking the policemen, throwing bottles and Molotov cocktails? As I was browsing through some international headlines on this matter, there are some that neglected to mention that the crowd that had gathered were not peaceful and not orderly as they had promised. What was shown and edited was not exactly the true picture. It has only shown one side, the protesters' side. I hope that there is a better way to resolve this. There has to be rather than just a show of emotions on the streets where it waste money, resources, endangers public safety, pollutes country image and it ultimately means, no investors, bad economy and then the cycle starts all over again. Is it worth it? wouldn't the money spent on all these nonsense unfruitful business be better spent on improving the lives of the Indian community? It has always been an uphill battle to improve standards of living but if there isn't a determination and discipline of each individual, there's so much everyone else can do.

.......

Many had asked me before what is it I want to do? What is it I want to get out of this life? What direction do I want to take? What do I expect out of this life? To me, to be happy in life and in everything I do. That's what I want out of this life. To those who know me, will know I'm strong and I have the never say die attitude and daring adventurous side of me to face every single adversity that comes my way. I either bulldoze my way out or I'll find a way out by all means. I've never known to give up and I've never known to lose faith in what I do, never to lose sight of my target. I've always set a high expectation for myself. Be it, at work, at life, anything. When I don't achieve it, I'll be set for a moment and move on. I've never fell down hard and can't get up. But recently, I'm giving up before I even started. Some say I need a break, some say I need to rest, some say I need to give myself some leeway and not set such high expectations. Set realistic expectations.

I had always strive adrenaline. The adrenaline rush that comes with meeting those expectations, the feeling when all is done and achieved. It is really an indescribable feeling. No words can express what I feel in all those moments. Its like when I go diving, a peaceful sense of achievement :) All my worries and fears just don't seem so big anymore...

Another weekend, another wedding

There is something in the air recently. Almost someone I know is getting married, be it from school, university, work and even relatives. It must be a good chinese calendar date where the whole month of November is filled to the brim of with wedding dinners and people I know attending someone else's wedding dinner. Last weekend, one of my high school bestie had her tea ceremony and a pre wedding party. She's the first amongst us that is getting married. First to register her marriage. Looking back amongst my friends, we have 3 registered, 3 planning for their wedding next year, 1 mom, 2 going steady with their partners and the rest of us still enjoying life. I guess we are a mixed bunch and we all chose our own lifestyle :)

Friday night was the pre-wedding party, where we had a buffet dinner with those who will be attending the wedding dinner the following week. For most of us, its like a reunion of sorts. There were people there we haven't seen for like 10 years and I realized we haven't change all that much in this 10 years. Yes, we have all grown up but we are all the same girls ultimately. The same group that will gossip, laugh hysterically over the silliest stuff and play chor tai dee non stop. Although we are all in geographically different places with each of our own lives to live, when we meet up, conversation is always nonstop :) And on Friday night, Sook Yan has her hair combing thingy. Where there was prayers and wishes for a happily ever after marriage. Jan was in her element absorbing the whole thing :p Well, we all participated and help in ways that we could and that is to sit one side and help when ordered and make glutinous rice balls. There was red and white. Apparently, red symbolizes girls and white symbolizes boys. So in my bowl, there was more red than white and Sook Yan's bowls has more white than red. However, I've laid claims on the daughter that she will have. That's my god-daughter. :)

On Saturday was the tea ceremony. Where we arrived to see Sook Yan in her gown looking so beautiful. Of course, we took loads of pictures with the bride and all of us "chi mui". There were 11 of us girls and 6 of the guys. The guys arrived at 11am and I was the key negotiator for ang pau money from the guys. Basically, if the guys don't meet our demands of RM 99,999, they have tasks to perform. First up was carrying Dave up 2 flights of stairs. That was simple. Second was drinking 3 cups of something sweet. First was condensed milk, second was rose syrup and third was honey. I can imagine how bad all the 3 taste. Yucks~~!! Surprisingly, the groom was sporting. Later, we had him doing push ups while saying the things Sook Yan wanted to hear. I was actually thinking of getting him to do a chaturanga (a yoga pose) but then, he doesn't seem like able to go any lower. Oh yes, while doing the push up, he was wearing Sook Yan's bra. Quite the hilarious~~!! In the end, he had to propose to Sook Yan all over again. His opening line was "After 7 years of dating, if we don't get married, what else can we do?"

After that was the tea ceremony. The usual talk talk talk talk, drink drink drink.. :) I was joking saying Dave's smile is already ISO certified. Same fixed smile in all the photos. Ultimately, I'm happy for the 2 of them. They are so happy together. And I can't help feeling a little jealous. :p

So to Sook Yan and Dave, have a wonderful journey ahead~~!! Remember your daughter will be my god-daughter :)

Motivation to work?

I think I have blog a lot about work. But nowadays it just hits me bad. I'm tired of justifying the fact that I can't manage my time when most of the time I'm in a fire fighting mode. It tires me out easily and leaves me unmotivated to chase numbers, meet my sales plan or even carry out my day-to-day responsibilities. Sleep has been eluding me for the past 3 weeks or close to a month. Things are not looking any brighter and I'm hitting the gym on a daily basis in hopes that I can catch some forty winks at night.

Something is just troubling me but I can't point a finger to it. Neither can I isolate the problem. I wonder am I really going bonkers??? I hope one fine day I can have a good sleep and sleep all the troubles and worries away.

Another weekend, another party

Its another weekend gone. Why does it seem all weekends seem to pass by in a blink of an eye? This whole week has been a bittersweet week as someone so poignantly coined it. It has all the ups and downs and surprises that equates a soap opera, a day time drama :p ok, that was in my overactive mind and the need for exaggeration. However, the whole week has been a series of ups and downs at work, at personal life, an early morning surprise visit, a Broadway show, a wedding discussion and a weekend party at Velvet~! All in a lot of ongoings for the week and in the end, the ending was something I didn't expect nor hope and it turned out fine. At least now, I have something to hope for in the coming 2 weeks and it will be filled with loads of activities and fun and anticipation. Because the week that cultiminated at Velvet had brought on a different dimension and maybe a little hope.

But for once in Velvet, things were quiet and the dancefloor was empty at 12midnite. Now that is very surprising. Ok, being the doofus and ignorant that I am, I had to be told by a foreigner that there was a riot in KL and everyone had stayed home in fear that things will get out of control. But then, the fact was my journey from my house to Bangsar and then to Zouk was smooth and peaceful. No signs of riots taking place and no signs of rioters marching and chanting and shouting. So there goes my ignorance. However, as I was surfing I saw that the riots was reported in several international press like International Herald Tribune, New York Times, Reuters, BBC News, AP, Al Jazeera etc. I was also watching the few clips that reported on it. The one by Al Jazeera hit home hard about Malaysia's political stability, government and democracy. This is the clip.



I wonder how does it spell out our democratic government. Does it mean we don't have a fair and clean election all these while? Does it mean our government is a farce and we are in the same league as Myanmar and Pakistan?

The riots did bring back memories of Anwar Ibrahim's trial. He was our ex Deputy Prime Minister, accused of sodomy and a string of charges as well. I remember that period very well because it shook Malaysia's political stability to its core. Some said it was a political agenda, some said he really did it. In my opinion whether he did or didn't do, its his personal life and so what if he really sodomize someone? I was still in high school then and with my high school strategically situated directly behind the National Mosque, going home on Fridays after 2pm would be a challenge. I remember an incident where my friends and I wanting to cross the road to get to Dayabumi for lunch and then head on to the bus stations for our bus ride home. And on our right we had the protesters heading towards us and on our left, the Federal Reserves Unit (F.R.U) was marching towards us. We were stuck right in the middle without knowing what to do and we panicked there and stood stuck to our position. In the end, a policewoman came and urged us to cross the road to Dayabumi where it is safe. So in we ran and for the first time, we didn't have to worry about the oncoming traffic~!!!

I had always thought Malaysia as a politically stable country where we have access to all media, free press, clean and friendly image with the exception of a certain royalty privileges granted to an ethnic group. However, reality is starting to sink in with bribery at large, government scandals uncovered, media control and my interactions with the outside world seems to paint a different Malaysia than the one I knew and I grew up in. Somehow, I wonder is Malaysia really spiraling downwards? Are we being sucked into a whirlpool and being dragged down? What does it mean to all of us Malaysians?

To err is human, to forgive is divine

I've come to the realization that i have made a mistake, a huge mistake. That in the end its going to cost me more than anything I can give, and more than anything I would ever do to make up for it. Someone told me once to my face, I'm self centred and I have a big ego. But somehow self confidence is lacking when it comes to physical appearance. Contradicting? Yup, that's me.

The mistake I've made, well, maybe its because I'm skeptical of how much truth a person can tell. I'm skeptical of relationships and I'm too skeptical to give that person the benefit of doubt. Till that person told me needed time to chill out. That's when my mental being goes into overdrive. All the suspecting and suspicious thoughts just went through my mind. All sense of reasoning, rational and what not just flew out of the window. Benefit of the doubt wasn't even in the picture. Trust me. I needed time to think and ponder. Instead I became this selfish, irrational, unreasonable person. Calling, sms-ing just to demand an explanation. When it was all ignored, I was doing it with a renewed zealous. Till I scared myself and I scared the other person. I wonder what had overcame me all of a sudden? I was never unreasonable. I might not be a cool headed person but I was never out of control. I wasn't cool, calm. I had no sense of bearing of what had occurred and what are the impacts of my doings. I was really out of control of myself and emotions.

I knew with my actions last night, I would have most likely lost a friend. A close one where it has been so comfortable just talking with. I still remember the first time we went out. We were just sitting there at Starbucks chatting and laughing away. It was fun because it has been so long since I had a witty companion to chat with. Before we met up, I remember saying it would be fun to chat with because I would finally have a sparring partner. Gloves not needed :p I'll always remember Central Fire Station and 7 Eleven. The Haagen Dazs Almond ice cream, dark chocolate Snickers, Dark Bitter Men Pocky and BBQ flavored Lays. Whatever you may say, Lays is always best BBQ flavored :)

If you ask me, I've messed things up big time. My ego had gotten into the way of things. I wasn't truthful or upfront about certain things or rather a lot of things. I didn't want to say that my days are more bearable since this person entered my life. I didn't want to say that I'm smiling more often and thinking about that person makes me smile. Everyday when I open my eyes wide, I check my phone for any sms or calls, and every night before I go to sleep, I wait in anticipation of a good night sms. Whenever I logged on to the net, first thing I do is to check my MSN contact list. Hoping that this person will be online and free to chat. I'm smiling and laughing a lot more nowadays. I dare not say it but then it was me reciprocating the feelings. Just that I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to make it more obvious when I assumed it was obvious to that person. It was an assumption and those assumptions has already got us to quarrel more often nowadays.

I guess yesterday was the last straw for the both of us. I wasn't fair to the both of us. I wasn't fair to that person at all. I definitely did not handle it well at all. I really hope to be given a chance to remedy my mistake. But I'm scared, afraid of what will happen next. Afraid that it is the end of something that had never been given time and the chance to begin, a beginning that I was afraid to explore. I know there are a lot of things to be said and done and there are a lot more to consider or to weigh the decisions. I just hope that I'm given a chance to talk and to understand that person more and maybe just to smile at him, 'coz I remember he mentioned once as long as I smile and be happy, he'll be happy. Sorry my dear for my actions and my words.

Age, time and life..

Someone asked me last week, "How does it feel to be 25 years old?" It was asked in jest, in interest or just plain curiousity, I don't know. But then, I don't feel like I'm 25, I feel as though I'm way older than 25. I have felt tired and restless the whole entire week. So in a way to make myself feel better, I do what any sane girl my age would do, I checked my horoscope for the day. This is what it says....

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

The Bottom Line

Toss out something today -- a relationship, grudge or assumption. You'll feel good.

In Detail

Every time you get rid of an old idea, assumption or unwanted item, you make room for a new influx of energy and growth. Today, you could use a big dose of freshness, so see what you can do to empty a few closets (emotional and bedroom alike). Whether you toss out a relationship, a grudge or an old sweater, you'll immediately feel a sense of freedom and relief. You've been released from hanging onto what you thought you needed. The truth is you already have everything you need.

Now I wonder, is there any emotional baggage or unwanted items that I have been carrying with me all these while. Looking at it, I woke up tired, restless, insomnia laden and lack of sleep. Was up the whole night not be able to sleep, restless and my whole body aching :( the whole body aching was my own doing, I just went overboard in yoga last night. Pushed myself to hold all the asanas and pushed myself to go lower, press harder, hold longer. Till even my yoga instructor, Kunal, noticed. He even asked me to go slow just so that I don't get my muscles tight again which is a frequent occurence nowadays. Even when I do sun salutations, I do a full chaturanga which is a full push up and holding it there. I was frustrated at work, angry at what bitches of work I get and unfair that certain people who seem to be working so hard is totally lost on the bosses where as the leeches stay on. Is it fair? Does this mean it will be my turn soon? To work so hard and lose it all with just one manager's decision? There are loads of things on my mind that worries me. One is I don't know what I would get next year. I've been thinking of changing roles, been thinking of expanding my portfolio, been thinking of working outside of KL, been thinking of traveling, quitting and also been thinking of just getting married to any guy that comes along my way. I somehow wish life comes with a guidebook, a book of rules, a set of planners that is tailored to individual needs. We all have our guidebooks, the Bible comes to mind. But then, to me I'm looking for something that tells me the black from the white and not that grey area is still ok.

Looking at the list of things my horoscope had spelt out to throw. The first is relationship. I have had 2 serious relationship so far. Both had ended by now. If you ask me if I regret those relationships, I don't. If I have any hung ups about it, I don't either. I took each relationship at that time very seriously and was whole heartedly into it. Now, I have guys around me. Issey is one of them or rather for now a major one. But he is not here and I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks. Does this mean its lost? Or does it mean that I have to give him time to find his way back to me? There's also another guy who I can feel myself falling for him. If you ask me if its love, I don't know. But the feelings are there, the chemistry is there. But he has more emotional baggage than me. And frankly, I don't know whether am I courageous enough to go through it knowing that I won't be the most important person in his life? Not now and definitely not in the future. He has his own problems and when I need attention, I need it badly. I know he likes me, but then he can't focus on me and he can't give me his full attention. Is feelings and chemistry enough? Is it enough for a relationship to bloom, to be nurtured? I understand that after all the initial feelings die, there has to be something substantial to continue making the relationship work.

But this is coming from a girl whose longest relationship is 3 years and it was on off for 2 years. So ultimately, the longest relationship I ever had was 1.5 years. I have never imagined myself and never could think that I can be in a relationship. I don't know if I'm meant to have an everlasting one. To be able to find a soulmate and stay together till death do us part. That is just plain scary. Imagine, day in and day out, you wake up and sleep next to the same guy. Would you know what they are thinking about? Would you be able to anticipate their next move? Would you be able to tell that he is trustworthy?

I'm scared at the end of the day. Scared of taking a gamble with my heart and feelings because the irreversible damage that it can cause will just make me more jaded and cynical than I already am. It will not be fair to the next guy. In all relationships that I have, I make no comparisons. Neither would I want to because it is not fair. Why? Because each guy is different, each guy has their own pros and cons, each guy is unique with their own quirks. I'm never the kind that will draw up a list of pro and con of the guy to decide if I should be in the relationship. I just evaluate and take the plunge. And mind you, the plunge I'm taking would just be a small step in front of me, its not the free falling kind. But then I also believe, if I don't gamble big my returns would not be big as well. Yes, I'm contradicting myself now. Maybe that's why I have never had an ever lasting relationship because I'm not willing to take the risks.

Ultimately, I like how my horoscope ended. It said that I can let go of things as I already have everything I needed. And that is true. I have a family, a group of besties, stable job and income, satisfied with what I have now except for my monthly bank balance. Even if there is no guy in my life now, I'm ok and I'm satisfied and proud of what I've achieved so far. Maybe, I should just clean out my closet. Get rid of some old clothes so that I have room for my recent purchases :p