Don't look for the silver lining, learn to dance in the rain!

My pretty smart eldest sister said that to me once at the time when I was lost, crying and just feeling hurt. I didn't understand the meaning of that and I was too stubborn and too closed up to even realized what it meant. To me now, I look at this saying and I think that whatever it is, I should learn to adapt and make full use of God's gifts to this world. I should stop looking for something better or what I think is ideal. Instead, I should make use of what's given to me and enjoy the moment.

There was a moment in time where I thought woe is me and I just bring everyone down, including myself. Today when I made the first move to let things go and move on with my life slowly, someone commented that I look different and I look more at peace. Maybe thats what I need to learn, how to let things go and make full use of what's given to me. I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop yearning for what's better. The grass will always be greener on the other pasture, its a matter of how you measure what's important in life.

A long month past....

It's been a long emotional month. What started out as a happy trip to Medan for a short escapade, to break the monotony of everyday life, has turned into one that changed me. I didn't know that I would have so much difficulty, I never knew that I could turn into this scary person and I never knew I could get stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. It's been a very eventful year and one that doesn't have a happy ending for me. We had such great plans to end the year. The only thing we ended up is ending the relationship. I miss him everyday, his snores that keeps me awake in the beginning has turned into a hum that lulls me to sleep at night. Our time together cooking, our chats, our home which we had set up. I'm just so lost and tired, tired of crying myself to sleep at night, tired of pulling myself together in the morning, tired of not sleeping, no more zest for life. I haven't cried so much my whole entire life. I can't seem to understand and my brain just refuse to accept. How did I become like that? How did it all go so badly? Why is it that it is not my turn and my chance at happiness with someone? Why don't i deserve to be happy?

A letter to Gramps

Its been awhile since we had last spoken. You had just left so abruptly. I didn't know how to tell you about my story and what's your story like over there. I wonder how you are now. Fishing everyday? I still remember every word of wisdom you told me, especially Jones's philosophy. Different but it is realistic. I failed again. Yes, I should have listened to my inner voice and voiced out my doubts. I should have listen to you way back when you were trying to impart your wisdom. I thought by going along with it, things will just straighten itself out. Little did I know, it just unravel itself and it became irrevocable damage. Remember how I told you I hyperventilated when he told me he was coming to KL, you laughed and said it is because of excitement or fear? I couldn't answer that. As time goes, I lost a little of myself along the way and a little bit more everyday. It wasn't fair to him and to me.

I remember you said, all I had to do is dream and you will hear me. I've been dreaming and I've been shouting out loud. I don't know if you heard me. But this is where I tell myself you might hear me. It ended for us sometime back. We just thought we could individually work it out in our heads instead of together with our hearts. But you know what, it hurts, I cry a lot and going through each day is a struggle. Yet, something in me died and something else replaced it. I can't identify nor can I specify what it is. But I do know, I can smile a little now instead of a grimace. There might not be light in my eyes when I smile but I'm slowly getting there. Its been a long 3 weeks. It might be a long journey of recovery but I'm slowly enjoying the time with myself again. I'm slowly re-discovering what can make me smile again. I'm slowly finding back myself.

I hope you are well over there Gramps. I'll be fine over here and I'll be able to take very good care of myself!

Getting caught up in a web of lies

Ever felt that you have been caught up in a web of lies? Where after the first story you had spun just keeps spinning and spinning and doesn't stop spinning till you tell it to stop. That's how I felt recently when all was unravel. I became a participant in the spinning of it. I wonder now, do I bite the bullet to weather through it or bite the bullet to leave?

Pessimistic Optimism or Optimistic Pessimism

Someone once asked me that, "Am I a pessimistic optimist or am I an optimistic pessimist?" That question made me think what was that all about. It was weird, but there so many of us out there who are one or the other. Its weird, outwardly we may be the most optimistic cheerful person, but deep inside, we are waiting for something bad to happen and erupt in our face. And that best describe an optimistic pessimist and vice versa.

I've always been someone that is optimistic and bubbly. Always with a smile. But then, when all is going well, I always wonder when it will all erupt in my face and break the happy bubble that I'm living in. Quite sad if you actually stop to think about it. This is because I can't fully enjoy myself in that moment and live to be wary and be super careful with myself.

Happiness is a state of mind

Someone once told me the statement in the title. I remember being ultimately skeptical about it and then, tell people that's not true and he was being patronizing. But 2 years down the road, I realized that it is true. It has nothing to do with people giving you good news, it has nothing to do with making sure all the stars and planets are in alignment. It has everything to do with our state of mind. If we are at ease with things and surroundings, we will naturally be happy. We will smile non-stop and we will have that glowing radiance about us.

I'm currently in that state. Things are rosy for me and things might have its ups and downs. However, I just take all things in stride with me now. I will still smile although I'm fretting inside. I guess all I'm saying is, I don't have that much angst against the world anymore.

Counting my blessings

It takes a lot to bring me down and I've been down before. Nowadays, I just count my blessings for all the good things that come my way. I'm happy for what I am and who I am. I wake up with a smile, albeit a little grumpy. I go to sleep with a smile. There are days that get me down but there are days that just makes me stop and smell the roses.

I'm happy now that after my whole drama with cars, and yes, I can be a drama queen, I can't wait to put it all behind me. Moreover, I'm quite happy that I would be getting my car back in a week or so. I've lived in constant penny counting days for the last 2 months, just to make sure I have enough money for the rainy days. I might want to sell off my car after this, but you know what, it may not be for the worse and it might still fetch a tidy sum of profit out of it.

So yes, I count my blessings that I came out of this alive and breathing!

The Difference between Male and Females

I've been dating the same guy coming to 2 years now. Its been a surreal experience. But then again, during the early stages of the relationship, I knew I didn't want to expect anything for the relationship itself has a lot of pitfalls. After that, it just kind of evolved to where it is now. I still remember that when I first uploaded photos of us, I had all sorts of apprehension about it. And then, when I did it, he removed his tagging of his name there. After that, I had refused to upload anymore photos of us. 2 years on, there are some pictures of us here and there, but I didn't make a fuss about it anymore.

Today, I stumbled upon his old photos and guess what, he has his ex girlfriend's photos on his albums. I wonder where does that leave me when he doesn't have a single photo of me anywhere and whatever associations of us on any photos, it has been speedily removed. I know I did mention that I didn't want to know his past as everyone has one, but why did I get the feeling that I'm the only party in this relationship and things are just going well till he decided to uproot himself to somewhere else where I won't be following? I know him well enough to know that I wouldn't be featured very high in his plans.

I guess that's the difference between males and females. Males will just act according to what their brains tell them while female will act following their emotions. As small and petty as my incident sound, it didn't make me feel comforted at all when the guy acts nonchalant over it. There are certain things a female will be very particular about and there are certain things males will bother. But how does one bridge the difference of emotions and logic?

Freedom?

There are times I wonder what this word really means? Would anyone reckon that this word is overrated?

A Painful Lesson

I reckon the car crash that I was in, was the single most painful accident ever. Not only in terms of the car but in terms of the after effects of the car. I blogged that this arrogant young girl is not that arrogant anymore after her crash. That's true, I've been dealt with a severe blow to my face with humility thrown in, in abundance! But what I reckon the most painful lesson in this whole saga of car problems, I now know who my family and friends are. People who stepped forward and help without asking and the bunch that just keeps giving u problems and giving advise when none is asked. I've seen so-called family members nearly spitting into my face, I've seen friends sneering when I asked them for help. Yet, I have friends that helped me out, concerned about me. At the end of the day, I don't ask for help but anyone that approaches me and just ask because they are concern, I'm more than happy and thankful. I can understand not everyone can be in the position to help, but those who are and yet have such heavy arses to move, its really mind boggling!

At the end of it all, if money is just the price to pay for me to know who are my real family and friends, trust me, its a very small price to pay.

Chasing Cars

I just happen to fall in love with this song again. It makes me feel that whatever that is not working will be able to work itself out.

Guardian Angel

Do you believe in guardian angel? I do. I believe that angel of mine had protected me a lot and with all my wrongdoings and the harm I brought on to myself, this angel of mine had never failed me. Thanks a lot!

A lesson in humility

Have you ever been in a situation where you think that you know everything and that you are the king and the world is your oyster? Well, I don't know about the majority people out there. I had been like that. Pride cometh before a fall, as they say. Was it good or bad, that's debatable. However, a point I'm trying to make here is, nothing like a car crash will bring you tumbling back down to earth. We are not invincible neither are we granted with a longevity elixir. Those who had spoken to me in the last 2 weeks, will know that I've had more than my fair share of bad news. I keep telling myself, tomorrow will be a better day. The week will get better, it can't really get any worse than this. In the end, the ultimate climax came when I lost control of the car after it had skidded. I had misjudged a puddle of rain and the car banged into a divider and spun. I can't remember the exact details, but this was just my recollection. Moreover, I was lucky to be alive because the accident was on a flyover, imagine had my car spun off the flyover. It would be my funeral that my family and friends are organizing.

So yes, I've learnt not to party fast and hard, take life easier and slower. I'm really one lucky girl that is counting her blessings for still able to sit here and blog about it. My youthful arrogance had taken a beating and I know I'm not immortal.

Life is short!

I miss my Gramps. His name is Mike Jones. I had known him for about 2 years now. I started calling him Gramps as a joke as he has 2 grandchildren and I thought he didn't look that old. So, that was how Gramps started. It was an experience knowing him. He always have stories to share, his fishing expeditions, silliness over not using sunblock and burnt skin, his retirement plans, his family. His jokes are one of a kind. If you don't know him, he looks like a school headmaster. If you know him, you would love his sense of humor, his generosity and his life philosophy.

I remember an incident where it was after the Sichuan earthquake back in 2008. He was posted there for work. He told me how IBM China had pulled together to collect donation and there was a bin in the office to collect soft toys for the homeless kids. He went out and bought one for the bin. I had asked him to buy one soft toy for me to put in the bin as well. He did it that very afternoon during lunch and he even sent me a picture of the white bear. He even added that the bear would bring some comfort to the kid.

I'm still in a state of shock as we were supposed to meet this week and his previous trip to KL was really his last meet up with me. He mentioned then, that would most likely be his last trip to KL and the last time he will be meeting me in KL. Little did I know, how true those words were. I miss my Gramps and his life philosophy which he will e-mail me once inawhile.

Gramps, wherever you are, saying goodbye to you this way is the hardest thing I've ever done, everything else pales in comparison. It makes me realized life is really short and you can't live with all the coulda, woulda and shoulda. Gramps, I hope you are happy now and no more sunburnt legs! You are with your mom now. Have loads of fun and I will definitely meet you when I join you there! I'll try to dream of you for you promised me that you will hear me. RIP Gramps!

Friends...

I don't know if the majority of people out there goes through different sets of friends at different phases of their life. I did and I'm still going through it. When I was in school, I had a bunch of besties that I wouldn't have replaced in the world. I still stay in touch with them, I miss all of them but our lives have charted different paths sometimes away from each other. We have grown together since we are 13. We have gone through ups and downs, first boyfriends, detentions, clubbing, drinking, shopping, all night phone conversations, sleep overs, you name it, we have done it. We have tried to meet up as much as we could. When we do meet up, once a quarter, we can cause havoc at our meeting place with our loud laughs and noisy chatter.

However, some of us had settled down, married and have babies. We suddenly don't have that much time for each other anymore. Then, you will realized that you have another set of friends that you will meet up regularly. Drinking buddies, colleagues, friends you made along the way. They can't replace the friends you grew up with, but variety is the spice of life. I have a myriad of friends from all different walks of life, all shapes and sizes and all types of skin color. Some surprise me with their sincerity, some surprise me with their crudeness, some I just ignore.

There are some friends out there that I have, I would do anything for them. They will know who they are. They have heard me through my sorrows, my tears. They have also seen me through my smiles, triumphs and successes. There are no words for me to say thank you but I thank God for bringing these bunch of people into my life.

Happy New Year!!!

Once again, a new year has dawned on us. Its amazing how fast a year can go by. Mine just went zooming by and its been a fantastic year. I'm looking forward to a fantastic 2010. My 2010 promises to be a year of revelation and a year of movement. Let's see how far the journey in 2010 will bring me.