Of Breakouts and Burnouts

I can't believe that I've been working non stop for 3 months without a break in between and lest alone enough sleep. And in a typical PJ fashion, I go all out to the extreme. So even if less sleep and I still push myself to work and to spend time in the gym for at least 2 hours. And I still try to find time in between to party. So results of this nonstop, I am now the results of a lot of breakouts on my face that is red and angry. Also, I claim victim of burnout. I guess I'm just tired of it all and sleep deprivation was a norm.

In the end, I think, I must admit, I'm aging as well. The horrible notion of truth that is inescapable and you can't hide from. sigh............

A new ME

Let's see, its been a long while since I posted anything. Work and everything else has caught up with me. Its been a constant go and constant movement. I haven't been able to stop and digest everything that has happened and been happening. There are times I just stop and ask myself what is this all about. Also now, everything seems to be in perspective. Work is going great just very busy. No love life but I can live with that. My parents are fine although there will ups and downs with my dad.

Fantastic news is that I've taken yet another shot at being healthy. I'm now a regular gym go-er and short of being a furniture in the gym, I've signed up for personal training sessions and yes, I'm stronger and fitter now! Although no change in weight, but everything else about me seems firmer and toner! I've also given up my cigarettes for good and I've cut down the drinking to once a week. Add on with the diet (no white stuff, no processed stuff), health supplements, I think I'm doing really well.

Irony of Life

Just finished skimming the headlines for today at The Star Online (Malaysian daily), it made me realized how ironic life is. Whilst some parts of the world is in turmoil and major havoc with uprisings and riots and all that jazz, there are other parts that are relatively peaceful. What's even more funny is that when I was browsing through photos of the day around the world, there are pictures of the on-going World Cup Cricket in India/Sri Lanka and the next photo is of a riot in New Delhi. After that, there are photos of the New Zealand earthquake and then, there was pictures of President Barack H. Obama attending something to commemorate Motown!

My heart goes out to all the earthquake survivors and deads. I remembered watching this snippet of the news on the earthquake in Christchurch. A wife, trapped in a building that had collapsed, called her husband on the mobile and told him, she is alive. All I remembered was the husband's frantic replies to her and he kept going on and on that she is alive and how to send someone down to her. I burst out crying at his helpless look and for the poor woman down there.

Life at its best

It has been a roller coaster ride since January. In the last 3 months of 2010, I've traveled every fortnightly to Singapore, East Malaysia, Laos and Bangkok. Its amazing how a break up can get you bitten by the travel bug.

Come January, my dad has been complaining of chest pains and that led to long and many hospital visits where he was diagnosed with liver cancer. The whole family has different ways to deal with this prognosis. Each of us starts with good intentions and yet, we ended up bickering over the smallest matter, the major one being my dad's diet.

With death staring at our face, its hard to pay importance to anything else. All that I've been through over my break up just pales in comparison. Nothing beats having to face our mortality to sober us up and be a grown up.

Don't look for the silver lining, learn to dance in the rain!

My pretty smart eldest sister said that to me once at the time when I was lost, crying and just feeling hurt. I didn't understand the meaning of that and I was too stubborn and too closed up to even realized what it meant. To me now, I look at this saying and I think that whatever it is, I should learn to adapt and make full use of God's gifts to this world. I should stop looking for something better or what I think is ideal. Instead, I should make use of what's given to me and enjoy the moment.

There was a moment in time where I thought woe is me and I just bring everyone down, including myself. Today when I made the first move to let things go and move on with my life slowly, someone commented that I look different and I look more at peace. Maybe thats what I need to learn, how to let things go and make full use of what's given to me. I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop yearning for what's better. The grass will always be greener on the other pasture, its a matter of how you measure what's important in life.

A long month past....

It's been a long emotional month. What started out as a happy trip to Medan for a short escapade, to break the monotony of everyday life, has turned into one that changed me. I didn't know that I would have so much difficulty, I never knew that I could turn into this scary person and I never knew I could get stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. It's been a very eventful year and one that doesn't have a happy ending for me. We had such great plans to end the year. The only thing we ended up is ending the relationship. I miss him everyday, his snores that keeps me awake in the beginning has turned into a hum that lulls me to sleep at night. Our time together cooking, our chats, our home which we had set up. I'm just so lost and tired, tired of crying myself to sleep at night, tired of pulling myself together in the morning, tired of not sleeping, no more zest for life. I haven't cried so much my whole entire life. I can't seem to understand and my brain just refuse to accept. How did I become like that? How did it all go so badly? Why is it that it is not my turn and my chance at happiness with someone? Why don't i deserve to be happy?

A letter to Gramps

Its been awhile since we had last spoken. You had just left so abruptly. I didn't know how to tell you about my story and what's your story like over there. I wonder how you are now. Fishing everyday? I still remember every word of wisdom you told me, especially Jones's philosophy. Different but it is realistic. I failed again. Yes, I should have listened to my inner voice and voiced out my doubts. I should have listen to you way back when you were trying to impart your wisdom. I thought by going along with it, things will just straighten itself out. Little did I know, it just unravel itself and it became irrevocable damage. Remember how I told you I hyperventilated when he told me he was coming to KL, you laughed and said it is because of excitement or fear? I couldn't answer that. As time goes, I lost a little of myself along the way and a little bit more everyday. It wasn't fair to him and to me.

I remember you said, all I had to do is dream and you will hear me. I've been dreaming and I've been shouting out loud. I don't know if you heard me. But this is where I tell myself you might hear me. It ended for us sometime back. We just thought we could individually work it out in our heads instead of together with our hearts. But you know what, it hurts, I cry a lot and going through each day is a struggle. Yet, something in me died and something else replaced it. I can't identify nor can I specify what it is. But I do know, I can smile a little now instead of a grimace. There might not be light in my eyes when I smile but I'm slowly getting there. Its been a long 3 weeks. It might be a long journey of recovery but I'm slowly enjoying the time with myself again. I'm slowly re-discovering what can make me smile again. I'm slowly finding back myself.

I hope you are well over there Gramps. I'll be fine over here and I'll be able to take very good care of myself!

Getting caught up in a web of lies

Ever felt that you have been caught up in a web of lies? Where after the first story you had spun just keeps spinning and spinning and doesn't stop spinning till you tell it to stop. That's how I felt recently when all was unravel. I became a participant in the spinning of it. I wonder now, do I bite the bullet to weather through it or bite the bullet to leave?

Pessimistic Optimism or Optimistic Pessimism

Someone once asked me that, "Am I a pessimistic optimist or am I an optimistic pessimist?" That question made me think what was that all about. It was weird, but there so many of us out there who are one or the other. Its weird, outwardly we may be the most optimistic cheerful person, but deep inside, we are waiting for something bad to happen and erupt in our face. And that best describe an optimistic pessimist and vice versa.

I've always been someone that is optimistic and bubbly. Always with a smile. But then, when all is going well, I always wonder when it will all erupt in my face and break the happy bubble that I'm living in. Quite sad if you actually stop to think about it. This is because I can't fully enjoy myself in that moment and live to be wary and be super careful with myself.

Happiness is a state of mind

Someone once told me the statement in the title. I remember being ultimately skeptical about it and then, tell people that's not true and he was being patronizing. But 2 years down the road, I realized that it is true. It has nothing to do with people giving you good news, it has nothing to do with making sure all the stars and planets are in alignment. It has everything to do with our state of mind. If we are at ease with things and surroundings, we will naturally be happy. We will smile non-stop and we will have that glowing radiance about us.

I'm currently in that state. Things are rosy for me and things might have its ups and downs. However, I just take all things in stride with me now. I will still smile although I'm fretting inside. I guess all I'm saying is, I don't have that much angst against the world anymore.