Another Letter to Gramps

Dear Gramps, 

How I have missed you in these last 2 years! I can't believe it has been 2 years since you had left. Yup, so much has happened in this period. I sometimes wish I still can e-mail to you to tell you things. You once said, if I dream about you or think about you, you will hear it. I hope that you are hearing all of these now.

I just want to tell you that I'm happy with myself now and I'm finally happy in my own skin. I still don't know what I want but I know what I don't want and that's just putting a smile on my face. I agree with you when you say life is too short and we are better off just being ourselves. I'm starting to see wisdom in your words now. I can't believe that turning 30 would be such a milestone but I guess I'm finally growing up.

Gramps, I sometimes wonder if you are still around, I would be able to just pop over to Philippines and see you and just go fishing and diving. I will go to Puerto Galera and Batangas one of these days and I know you will be there with me. I'm just feeling a bit nostalgic and I really wish you are around so that I can tell you all of these in person. But other than that, trust me when I say I'm happy now and I can't wait to see more of this world!

Till the next letter. I hope you receive all of them.

Cheers!
PJ

What Does Marriage Mean?

Before I start on this blog, let me clarify that I'm not dying or desperate to get married. However, I've observed many a times at social gatherings that marriage and weddings always seem to be the centre of attention. Not one single gathering will go by without anyone asking when are you getting married. So, this blog is just an observation as well as to wonder why we place such importance on marriage.

According to Wikipedia, marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. Definition of marriage varies but it is accepted as an institution in which interpersonal relationship, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged.

I have also asked around what does marriage mean to them. And I'm just going to explore the heterosexual relationships, although I've come to realized homosexual relationships are no different. Some told me for companion when you are old, to start a family, for financial security, for a guaranteed steady lay, for love, for convenience. A lot of times, if you ask a guy, what does marriage means, they will say expensive. Society has placed an emphasis on the males to provide for the family with a house, car and financial stability. In fact, in some cultures, women come with dowry so that it would not place a burden on the groom and his family. But in most cultures, it is generally acceptable that women marry for financial security and the men provides for them. Women are often viewed as the weaker sex, thus the need to provide falls on the men.

Out of all the times that I've asked this question, only 2 guys came back to me with the answer that they marry for love. One was 60+ and another was 57 when I asked them. Both surprisingly Australian, Caucasian males. One was Gramps. He said he married his first wife for love until she cheated on him. His second marriage was a marriage of convenience. She needed the citizenship and financial security and he needed the companion. The other was Bob (or rather I think that is his name!). Bob said the first time he laid eyes on his wife, he felt goose bumps and shivers down his spine. He knows that she's the one and yes, they got married till the day she died. And he found love again and he said the same thing happened. Goose bumps and shivers down his spine. That's how he knows that he will marry that woman.

Maybe I'm just a romantic at heart but a lot have told me that when love hits you, you would not know what it is and you will just smile and be happy to surrender yourself to it. I like to hear stories about how people fall in love and get together and got married. But those stories are getting far and few in between. Those romantic stories I heard, it's from those who are at least 45 years old and above. As for those 40 and above are more likely to have co-habitated before deciding to get married. For those below 35, it is usually and most definitely, met in university or while clubbing or working together, cohabitation followed. After which, marriage was the next logical step. Those below 25, are usually shot gun.

I always wondered what will trigger anyone to get married. The fact that you would feel the goose bumps and shivers? Or love? Or even just the plain old companionship that we seek? I don't believe in not being able to live without that person. Yes, humans are social creatures however, it doesn't mean that you can't live with or without that person. We would crave intimacy and the sense of belonging. Maybe that's reason enough. I've seen more and more of friends taking the step towards a 'legal' life together. But what separates cohabitation with marriage is just the license or is it the fact that with that piece of paper you are legally bound to the other person for life?

One person told me once that love is a state of mind. It is just how our grey matter processes it. In the end, there is no logic or rational reason that leads someone to a marriage. Some use marriage as an escape from their family, others use it to depend onto others financial security, others use it as a social tool and some would just resort to get married because of societal pressure. Whatever the reason it may that leads you down the marriage path, it is for sure hard work to stay married and committed to the other person.

Once you have decided to sign your name on a piece of legal paper that binds you to your partner, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, in good times and bad times, you would have to stay and hang in there. You would be responsible for the other person and you would have to find ways to make it work and stay happy along the way. And maybe, have a few babies along the way and complete the circle of life that some of us are privileged to follow through.

As for those who are not married or don't plan to get married, I truly respect your choice and your decision. For in the end, what matters is that you go through your life, living it the way you want and be happy with the journey life has given you.

Crazy or Scorned?

I know of this lady who is going to turn 70 soon. She had issues of trust with people. She had never trusted anyone fully including her own kids. She had married in her early thirties and had an oppressive mother-in-law. She had served her MIL her whole life and then, her husband had cancer. She, once again became the primary caregiver for her hubby. After being the primary caregiver and giving all those around her problems with her drama and her persistence, she learns how to be with herself. After so many years of taking care of others, for once, she begins to be alone and truly not enjoying it. I reckon she got lost on knowing what to do. She starts imagining things that had happened, replacing the reality with figments of her imagination. She tries to be normal, she tries to lead a normal life. But slowly, her life has just been figments of her imagination, so much so that she thought up of excuses for herself, victimized herself whilst blaming everyone else. She misplaced her keys, couldn't find her stuff and blame it on others. Living with her was a living hell.

But if one looks back to her story, she wasn't like that when she was growing up. She was a happy go lucky girl that was always cheerful. I still can see glimpse of that girl, beneath all that unhappiness she projects. She had thought she fell in love with the one guy that she had known since young, her cousin brother. She had not thought that he would break her heart. From what I could gather in between the lines, she had stayed with the man, given her all for that 7 years of being together. What happened at the end was just a recollection. They had saved up their money in joint accounts and with hopes of getting married. Apparently, the guy had took all their savings and went off with another woman. It sounds like something out of the movie where a girl gets cheated by another man. But this story doesn't have a Hollywood ending. The girl ended up heart broken, she couldn't trust anyone. She became depressed and she couldn't live her life for a long while. In the end, she chose to marry another man just to escape from it all.

Then, when things become unbearable during her marriage, she lived in a coulda, woulda, shoulda world. The horrible world of what ifs. It was a vicious cycle that had kept her depressed and clinical depression that is left unchecked will have horrible repercussions.

I'm not sure to put this woman down as sick in literally sense or someone that has just been scorned. I had always thought of those people who couldn't live through a heartbreak as someone who is weak and just couldn't get a hold of themselves. Now, I'm starting to think that there are people who just can't pull themselves together and piece themselves up after a life changing situation. Sad part is, she had put all her hopes to this one guy that had hurt her the most. Sadder part, she had delved too deep into her own sadness that she couldn't climb out. Saddest part, she had spent the rest of her life after in a haze and no way in hell would the fog clear.

On the other hand, coming out from a broken relationship and knowing full well that you had wanted to die, crash your car and just stop living, I can really empathize with her. Maybe times are changing, women now have a lot more choices and a lot more freedom to do things as you will, instead of depending on a man to provide. Women nowadays have the option to walk out from a relationship and be independent, and it is not wrong to stand for your own right.

I wished she had lived in a different time and she would have the courage to move on and not let the whole experience overshadow her and stop her from living a life that's worthwhile.

What would you do if you were in my shoes

Growing up in as the youngest of three girls should be smooth sailing. We all grew up to be very independent adults. But you can't shake the old doubts that were nagging at the back of your head. I remember when I was younger, my dad always joked that the eldest is the prettiest, the second being the smartest and the third is the good for nothing daughter. Joke or not, it had left a large imprint on you. Yes, I grew up independently, shouldering a lot of things in the family. More so, from the point that I wanted to prove to my dad that he was wrong. All these while, I had thought that things I did was for the best of all of us. But apparently, it has suppressed me and made me miserable. I wasn't the nicest person to live with. In fact, when I go into a committed relationship, I realized I became unbearable. I was scared to let things go, I over analyze things and I was just not myself anymore. I had viewed my relationship as a means to escape from my family. But I had made it infinitely worse, when all those doubts came surfacing out. It wasn't true but I had used it to mar my relationships.

So I began a series of self destructive activities, just to prove my point that I'm not worthy of anyone and anything. I had been an overbearing, jealous girlfriend, tracking every single move, every single gesture. Then, I'll reach a point where I break, where I reasoned to myself that I get too tired to continue like this. Then I start contemplating break up but I'll make it so uncomfortable that you will automatically suggest that. Then, the start of the long drawn out breakup sequence. Not sure if you guys find it familiar, but I reckon the last 3 of relationships went through the same pattern.

So now, I took one and a half years away from guys. Let's admit it, it is damn easy to hook up with anyone if you really want to. I had never complained about the lack of guys, lack of good looking ones, maybe. But lack of guys, hell no. I had never been without a guy for more than 2 months in the past one decade. So, it was liberating. I had learnt the joy of enjoying my alone time. I enjoyed seeing the world on my own. I went back to planning things for myself and only myself. I know my parents wanted to come along and be included, but i just wanted the time on my own and its good to be selfish.

I had suddenly become a lot happier and more at ease with myself. Then, I actually got a few cute guys' attention. But it was all in good fun. I had thought 1.5 years is enough of a time to see things retrospectively and think things through. What I didn't know was that, even now, after all these time, when I'm about to embark on another relationship, everything comes to the surface again. In fact, this time, I don't even need to wait till we are in a relationship to be destructive. I was destructive from the start. I had never went out to seek a relationship or even dare I say, love. But this one found me, and yet, I'm not happy and confident about myself for it. I can feel all the old doubts coming back out no matter how much I try to suppress it.

It feels as though, I dare not allow myself to be happy with the knowledge, someone actually wants to love me for who I am, warts and all. I still feel that I have issues to work out and I need to be able to fully love myself before I can love someone else. Before I can fully open my heart to someone else. Would you turn down the guy that you had really like and say that the only reason he likes you is because you irritate him. Would you turn that guy away and sort out yourself first?

What would you do?

Another Year, Another Report Card

I think this year seems to be a year of sorts. I had wanted it to start strong. Last year was a year of breakups and heartaches and all things painful. This year started with hell a lot of bad news and mother-of-all bad news. It was hard to recover from the word go that's for sure. We all had some pretty rough times but then again, I found my way at the end of the day. Well, half of through 2011, I told myself, this is it. All the self doubt and self questioning just came to an end. My sister had once said, all you have to do is just progress and work on it. There is no room for self doubt when you occupy yourself and move forward. And that is exactly what I did. Of course, there will be times when I think back and wonder would I have done it differently. The answer is yes, I could and should have. But then, that's living in a world of what ifs and what nots. And then the vicious cycle would begin all over again. It is really depressing when one just keep looking back instead of embracing what other things life has installed for you.

So, this year (rather around June/July) I decided that I should really put things into perspective and things had never looked brighter and better. I had traveled a lot in the last 2 months. I had done things I had never thought possible to achieve and I grew as a person. Like it or not, I am going to turn 30 and things are picking up for me. I'm finally happy in my own skin. I found my confidence back and I found out what's really important to me. Steve Jobs had once said, stay foolish and hungry. Wise words indeed for a visionary. I'm going to make it into my life by staying foolish and staying hungry.

Of Marriages, Kids and Weight Issues

Now must be the season to get hitched. I have a couple of friends getting married, news of engagement and generally friends settling down with their other half. Those that are getting married are those been dating for at least 1-2 years and like me, not getting any younger. Those who recently got engaged are like me not getting any younger, but been dating for less than 6 months. And those settling down, well, put it this way, just want to get away from all the money you paid out in terms of getting married. Its amazing how some are getting married when they barely know each other. Shot gun, some would say but I'm more incline to believe that they are getting married because you just know it that that person is the elusive one. There should be no room for doubts and what ifs. I believe in that. I had invested way too much of my time in creating the illusion that the guy I was with is the one. I had led myself to believe it, putting loads of time and energy into making myself believe that he is the one. In fact, it is ludicrous how I had made it all to be.

And then, I wonder those engagements that I've been hearing so much lately. Would they be shot gun or would it be just wanting to be able to get a steady stable lay? I really wonder about that.....

And adding on from that, I've seen women after giving birth, they just let themselves go. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... Its all a circle of life where a woman will lose weight to look good for their wedding and then just let things go after that. Is that what it is to women? Looking good for the one day and then, give up caring once the goal is achieved?

Of Breakouts and Burnouts

I can't believe that I've been working non stop for 3 months without a break in between and lest alone enough sleep. And in a typical PJ fashion, I go all out to the extreme. So even if less sleep and I still push myself to work and to spend time in the gym for at least 2 hours. And I still try to find time in between to party. So results of this nonstop, I am now the results of a lot of breakouts on my face that is red and angry. Also, I claim victim of burnout. I guess I'm just tired of it all and sleep deprivation was a norm.

In the end, I think, I must admit, I'm aging as well. The horrible notion of truth that is inescapable and you can't hide from. sigh............

A new ME

Let's see, its been a long while since I posted anything. Work and everything else has caught up with me. Its been a constant go and constant movement. I haven't been able to stop and digest everything that has happened and been happening. There are times I just stop and ask myself what is this all about. Also now, everything seems to be in perspective. Work is going great just very busy. No love life but I can live with that. My parents are fine although there will ups and downs with my dad.

Fantastic news is that I've taken yet another shot at being healthy. I'm now a regular gym go-er and short of being a furniture in the gym, I've signed up for personal training sessions and yes, I'm stronger and fitter now! Although no change in weight, but everything else about me seems firmer and toner! I've also given up my cigarettes for good and I've cut down the drinking to once a week. Add on with the diet (no white stuff, no processed stuff), health supplements, I think I'm doing really well.

Irony of Life

Just finished skimming the headlines for today at The Star Online (Malaysian daily), it made me realized how ironic life is. Whilst some parts of the world is in turmoil and major havoc with uprisings and riots and all that jazz, there are other parts that are relatively peaceful. What's even more funny is that when I was browsing through photos of the day around the world, there are pictures of the on-going World Cup Cricket in India/Sri Lanka and the next photo is of a riot in New Delhi. After that, there are photos of the New Zealand earthquake and then, there was pictures of President Barack H. Obama attending something to commemorate Motown!

My heart goes out to all the earthquake survivors and deads. I remembered watching this snippet of the news on the earthquake in Christchurch. A wife, trapped in a building that had collapsed, called her husband on the mobile and told him, she is alive. All I remembered was the husband's frantic replies to her and he kept going on and on that she is alive and how to send someone down to her. I burst out crying at his helpless look and for the poor woman down there.

Life at its best

It has been a roller coaster ride since January. In the last 3 months of 2010, I've traveled every fortnightly to Singapore, East Malaysia, Laos and Bangkok. Its amazing how a break up can get you bitten by the travel bug.

Come January, my dad has been complaining of chest pains and that led to long and many hospital visits where he was diagnosed with liver cancer. The whole family has different ways to deal with this prognosis. Each of us starts with good intentions and yet, we ended up bickering over the smallest matter, the major one being my dad's diet.

With death staring at our face, its hard to pay importance to anything else. All that I've been through over my break up just pales in comparison. Nothing beats having to face our mortality to sober us up and be a grown up.

Don't look for the silver lining, learn to dance in the rain!

My pretty smart eldest sister said that to me once at the time when I was lost, crying and just feeling hurt. I didn't understand the meaning of that and I was too stubborn and too closed up to even realized what it meant. To me now, I look at this saying and I think that whatever it is, I should learn to adapt and make full use of God's gifts to this world. I should stop looking for something better or what I think is ideal. Instead, I should make use of what's given to me and enjoy the moment.

There was a moment in time where I thought woe is me and I just bring everyone down, including myself. Today when I made the first move to let things go and move on with my life slowly, someone commented that I look different and I look more at peace. Maybe thats what I need to learn, how to let things go and make full use of what's given to me. I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop yearning for what's better. The grass will always be greener on the other pasture, its a matter of how you measure what's important in life.

A long month past....

It's been a long emotional month. What started out as a happy trip to Medan for a short escapade, to break the monotony of everyday life, has turned into one that changed me. I didn't know that I would have so much difficulty, I never knew that I could turn into this scary person and I never knew I could get stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. It's been a very eventful year and one that doesn't have a happy ending for me. We had such great plans to end the year. The only thing we ended up is ending the relationship. I miss him everyday, his snores that keeps me awake in the beginning has turned into a hum that lulls me to sleep at night. Our time together cooking, our chats, our home which we had set up. I'm just so lost and tired, tired of crying myself to sleep at night, tired of pulling myself together in the morning, tired of not sleeping, no more zest for life. I haven't cried so much my whole entire life. I can't seem to understand and my brain just refuse to accept. How did I become like that? How did it all go so badly? Why is it that it is not my turn and my chance at happiness with someone? Why don't i deserve to be happy?

A letter to Gramps

Its been awhile since we had last spoken. You had just left so abruptly. I didn't know how to tell you about my story and what's your story like over there. I wonder how you are now. Fishing everyday? I still remember every word of wisdom you told me, especially Jones's philosophy. Different but it is realistic. I failed again. Yes, I should have listened to my inner voice and voiced out my doubts. I should have listen to you way back when you were trying to impart your wisdom. I thought by going along with it, things will just straighten itself out. Little did I know, it just unravel itself and it became irrevocable damage. Remember how I told you I hyperventilated when he told me he was coming to KL, you laughed and said it is because of excitement or fear? I couldn't answer that. As time goes, I lost a little of myself along the way and a little bit more everyday. It wasn't fair to him and to me.

I remember you said, all I had to do is dream and you will hear me. I've been dreaming and I've been shouting out loud. I don't know if you heard me. But this is where I tell myself you might hear me. It ended for us sometime back. We just thought we could individually work it out in our heads instead of together with our hearts. But you know what, it hurts, I cry a lot and going through each day is a struggle. Yet, something in me died and something else replaced it. I can't identify nor can I specify what it is. But I do know, I can smile a little now instead of a grimace. There might not be light in my eyes when I smile but I'm slowly getting there. Its been a long 3 weeks. It might be a long journey of recovery but I'm slowly enjoying the time with myself again. I'm slowly re-discovering what can make me smile again. I'm slowly finding back myself.

I hope you are well over there Gramps. I'll be fine over here and I'll be able to take very good care of myself!

Getting caught up in a web of lies

Ever felt that you have been caught up in a web of lies? Where after the first story you had spun just keeps spinning and spinning and doesn't stop spinning till you tell it to stop. That's how I felt recently when all was unravel. I became a participant in the spinning of it. I wonder now, do I bite the bullet to weather through it or bite the bullet to leave?

Pessimistic Optimism or Optimistic Pessimism

Someone once asked me that, "Am I a pessimistic optimist or am I an optimistic pessimist?" That question made me think what was that all about. It was weird, but there so many of us out there who are one or the other. Its weird, outwardly we may be the most optimistic cheerful person, but deep inside, we are waiting for something bad to happen and erupt in our face. And that best describe an optimistic pessimist and vice versa.

I've always been someone that is optimistic and bubbly. Always with a smile. But then, when all is going well, I always wonder when it will all erupt in my face and break the happy bubble that I'm living in. Quite sad if you actually stop to think about it. This is because I can't fully enjoy myself in that moment and live to be wary and be super careful with myself.

Happiness is a state of mind

Someone once told me the statement in the title. I remember being ultimately skeptical about it and then, tell people that's not true and he was being patronizing. But 2 years down the road, I realized that it is true. It has nothing to do with people giving you good news, it has nothing to do with making sure all the stars and planets are in alignment. It has everything to do with our state of mind. If we are at ease with things and surroundings, we will naturally be happy. We will smile non-stop and we will have that glowing radiance about us.

I'm currently in that state. Things are rosy for me and things might have its ups and downs. However, I just take all things in stride with me now. I will still smile although I'm fretting inside. I guess all I'm saying is, I don't have that much angst against the world anymore.

Counting my blessings

It takes a lot to bring me down and I've been down before. Nowadays, I just count my blessings for all the good things that come my way. I'm happy for what I am and who I am. I wake up with a smile, albeit a little grumpy. I go to sleep with a smile. There are days that get me down but there are days that just makes me stop and smell the roses.

I'm happy now that after my whole drama with cars, and yes, I can be a drama queen, I can't wait to put it all behind me. Moreover, I'm quite happy that I would be getting my car back in a week or so. I've lived in constant penny counting days for the last 2 months, just to make sure I have enough money for the rainy days. I might want to sell off my car after this, but you know what, it may not be for the worse and it might still fetch a tidy sum of profit out of it.

So yes, I count my blessings that I came out of this alive and breathing!

The Difference between Male and Females

I've been dating the same guy coming to 2 years now. Its been a surreal experience. But then again, during the early stages of the relationship, I knew I didn't want to expect anything for the relationship itself has a lot of pitfalls. After that, it just kind of evolved to where it is now. I still remember that when I first uploaded photos of us, I had all sorts of apprehension about it. And then, when I did it, he removed his tagging of his name there. After that, I had refused to upload anymore photos of us. 2 years on, there are some pictures of us here and there, but I didn't make a fuss about it anymore.

Today, I stumbled upon his old photos and guess what, he has his ex girlfriend's photos on his albums. I wonder where does that leave me when he doesn't have a single photo of me anywhere and whatever associations of us on any photos, it has been speedily removed. I know I did mention that I didn't want to know his past as everyone has one, but why did I get the feeling that I'm the only party in this relationship and things are just going well till he decided to uproot himself to somewhere else where I won't be following? I know him well enough to know that I wouldn't be featured very high in his plans.

I guess that's the difference between males and females. Males will just act according to what their brains tell them while female will act following their emotions. As small and petty as my incident sound, it didn't make me feel comforted at all when the guy acts nonchalant over it. There are certain things a female will be very particular about and there are certain things males will bother. But how does one bridge the difference of emotions and logic?

Freedom?

There are times I wonder what this word really means? Would anyone reckon that this word is overrated?

A Painful Lesson

I reckon the car crash that I was in, was the single most painful accident ever. Not only in terms of the car but in terms of the after effects of the car. I blogged that this arrogant young girl is not that arrogant anymore after her crash. That's true, I've been dealt with a severe blow to my face with humility thrown in, in abundance! But what I reckon the most painful lesson in this whole saga of car problems, I now know who my family and friends are. People who stepped forward and help without asking and the bunch that just keeps giving u problems and giving advise when none is asked. I've seen so-called family members nearly spitting into my face, I've seen friends sneering when I asked them for help. Yet, I have friends that helped me out, concerned about me. At the end of the day, I don't ask for help but anyone that approaches me and just ask because they are concern, I'm more than happy and thankful. I can understand not everyone can be in the position to help, but those who are and yet have such heavy arses to move, its really mind boggling!

At the end of it all, if money is just the price to pay for me to know who are my real family and friends, trust me, its a very small price to pay.